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Proud Boy insurrectionist wants out of jail because he has an owie in his back

1 min read

Donald Trump has ruined a lot of lives. Usually that’s a tragedy. But sometimes it careens mighty close to comedy.

Needless to say, those who hitched their wagon to Donald Trump were staring at a billowy, cornucopian rectum for what must have seemed an eternity. And now they’re in a ditch, with a wagon wheel on top of them, but their ox is at Mar-a-Lago trying to figure out how a cloven-hoofed ungulate is supposed to masturbate to Arizona audit footage without opposable thumbs.

Or they’re in jail, because they believed the most prolific liar in American history had an election stolen from him, and would have their six if they just stormed the Capitol to steal it back.

Maybe this dude should just get alleged multibillionaire Donald Trump to send him some Doan’s pills, instead of wailing to the blessed ether about his all-too-preventable fate.

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