Did this ever happen to you? You’re sitting quietly with friends at your favorite local watering hole, and at the end of the bar is the mandatory big mouth, loudly spouting off on every event of the day, and with every shouted opinion, proving he has his head so far up his ass he’s performing a self colonoscopy right there at the bar. And then, at about 1:30 AM, he loudly proclaims something totally logical, completely on point, and absolutely correct, and in so doing completely contradicts everything else he has said all night.

That’s what I felt like last night. While desperately fleeing male enhancement ads on MSNBC and Peyronies Disease ads on CNN, I found myself face to face with Tucker Carlson’s closing rant last night on FOX News. It had been a while since I had seen Tucker, and had completely forgotten about his earnest dyspeptic loo, staring into the camera looking for all the world like your 6 yo on the can with constipation, as he gravely shovels his shit. But last night was different, even if it didn’t start out that way.

Carlson reported how Alexandria Ocasio Corteaz and Bernie Sanders had co sponsored legislation that would cap credit card interest rates at 15%, at a time when the national average is 21%, and some people pay as high as 36%. I thought, “At least he’s spouting honest figures before he makes a total horses ass out of himself.” He then made the comparison that banks are borrowing money at 3% to lend it to you at 21%, sweet deal, huh? (Whoa! Wazzup with this?) Then he followed up with the fact that AOC and Sanders also wanted to cap payday loan interest rates at 15% as well, at a time when they are regularly charging 450-600%. 

Carlson went on to say, “Now don’t get me wrong, AOC and Bernie Sanders are both dangerous far left demagogues, and socialists to boot.” (Ah, that’s more like it!) “But in this instance, and in this instance only, they are 100%, totally, absolutely correct.” (What the fuck?!?) “There’s a reason why every major religion excoriates usury, and why most advanced nations have outlawed it. The rich few prey upon the less fortunate. And not just habitual deadbeats either, they prey on a lot of good people, some people you even know. maybe a lot of people you know.” At this point I’m rubbing my eyes to see if I had flipped over to Rachel Maddow without realizing it, but no, it’s the Tuck alright.

And then Tucker Carlson got too cute by half. Knowing he had his audience confused, he tried to tie it together, telling his peeps that this was a traditionally conservative idea in the first place. He recalled how George W Bush had attempted to cap interest rates at 14%, “lower than Ocasio Cortez and Sanders are currently proposing,” and that it passed the Senate with wide bipartisan support, but after a 5 day carpet bomb lobbying campaign, and a 1 day swan dive off a cliff from the stock market, the bill died in the House, and the subject has been taboo for the GOP ever since. He then went on to call Republicans morons for quitting, since Wall Street had long since deserted the Republican party, giving almost exclusively to Hillary in the last campaign, so why was the GOP pandering to people who were actively working against them?

Ah, the Tuckster had the bit well and truly between his teeth now, and he was off to the races. He then went on to sand blast his own party. “Now, I know there are going to be Republicans who vote against this bill, probably a lot of them are. And they’re going to be dead wrong in doing so. .This is a chance for them to do something for their constituents, the people who sent them there, and if they don’t do it, then their constituents will find somebody who will, and vote for them instead.”

I can only surmise at this point that Tucker Carlson will shortly be joining judge Andrew Napolitano on an unscheduled, but pre-planned extended vacation from FOX. This is the kind of clear headed thinking, and honest opinion that normally lands a FOX News anchor the highly coveted 2-3 pM time slot, when nobody is watching. My greatest hope is that in regards to his own audience, a large part of Sean Hannity’s audience had switched over to FOX a few minutes early, and had caught Carlson’s shtick.

Look, last night Tucker Carlson did everything short of calling for a grassroots effort from his viewers to call their GOP incumbents and demand that they vote to pass the Ocasio Cortez-Sanders bill. And the funny thing is, this is the kind of simple, no-complicated-thinking-required issue that FOX viewers can easily understand, and rally behind. And Carlson was totally correct in pointing out to GOP lawmakers that this is exactly the kind of thing that they can cross the aisle to support, knowing that it will make them look good at home, at a time when the GOP in congress ain’t producing jack. If this bill passes, it’s going to be a real feather in the caps of Alexandria Ovcasio Cortez and Bernie Sanders, and a highlight accomplishment that the Democrats can tout going into 2020. And personally, I could care less what shade of lipstick Tucker Carlson puts on his pig, as long as it gets it across the finish line. And if it passes the House with bipartisan support, and McConnell kills it in the Senate, then the GOP House is pissed at the GOP Senate for taking their shiny new toy away. Either way it’s a win-win. Thank you Tucker.

Copies of President Evil, and the sequel, President Evil II, A Clodwork Orange are still sitting around collecting dust, and Amazon is starting to send me nasty e-mails. And what better time to get reacquainted with the roller coaster that was the 2016 election cycle than before the release of the final volume of the trilogy, President Evil III, All the Presidents Fen.

Cross posted on Politizoom.com

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  • May 11, 2019