Last updated on January 21, 2021
In other words, a monstrous, noxious, venal scheme to lightly garnish the shart soufflé that is Donald Trump’s presidency.
As President Trump prepares to leave office in days, a lucrative market for pardons is coming to a head, with some of his allies collecting fees from wealthy felons or their associates to push the White House for clemency, according to documents and interviews with more than three dozen lobbyists and lawyers.
Sadly, this kind of open corruption is no longer shocking. Or even mildly surprising.
The only thing that would surprise me at this point is if Donald Trump split open like a tauntaun to reveal a very much alive Hervé Villechaize operating his ramshackle carcass with an Atari 2600 joystick while being fed prompts by a ferociously intoxicated (and also very much alive) Peter O’Toole.
And that would only surprise me a little.
One lobbyist, Brett Tolman, a former federal prosecutor who has been advising the White House on pardons and commutations, has monetized his clemency work, collecting tens of thousands of dollars, and possibly more, in recent weeks to lobby the White House for clemency for the son of a former Arkansas senator; the founder of the notorious online drug marketplace Silk Road; and a Manhattan socialite who pleaded guilty in a fraud scheme.
Or, here’s a thought. Trump could pardon some of the people serving sentences for nonviolent drug offenses. But there’s no money in that, apparently.
Mr. Trump’s former personal lawyer John M. Dowd has marketed himself to convicted felons as someone who could secure pardons because of his close relationship with the president, accepting tens of thousands of dollars from a wealthy felon and advising him and other potential clients to leverage Mr. Trump’s grievances about the justice system.
If I were close enough to the pr*sident to buy pardons on clients’ behalf, I’d also be close enough to shove him in a hot air balloon and let God and/or the fickle winds squire him to his final destination. If that happens to be Snake Island, well, who are we to question God?
Oh, and what’s a Trump scandal without a little light treason?
A onetime top adviser to the Trump campaign was paid $50,000 to help seek a pardon for John Kiriakou, a former C.I.A. officer convicted of illegally disclosing classified information, and agreed to a $50,000 bonus if the president granted it, according to a copy of an agreement.
And Mr. Kiriakou was separately told that Mr. Trump’s personal lawyer Rudolph W. Giuliani could help him secure a pardon for $2 million. Mr. Kiriakou rejected the offer, but an associate, fearing that Mr. Giuliani was illegally selling pardons, alerted the F.B.I. Mr. Giuliani challenged this characterization.
But her eeeeeeeeee-mai … ah, fuck, who cares at this point? Donald Trump is nearly through selling out our country. Just cut off his intel briefings ASAP, please.
There’s plenty more in that NYT story, and it will all make you heave.
Three days. Three!
See you on the other side of insanity.
This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump is hot off the presses! Along with Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump, you’ll see the Trump years from a hilarious new perspective. Click those links!
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