Corey “Grabby-Hands” Lewandowski and David “Cotton-Picking” Bossie, two former Trump advisers, have written a new book titled “How to Live Inside Donald Trump’s Sigmoid Colon While Still Maintaining Your Independence and Objectivity.”
No, actually it’s called “Trump’s Enemies: How the Deep State Is Undermining the Presidency.”
The Washington Post obtained a copy, presumably got falling-down drunk on Keystone Light, hallucinogenic toads, and whippets, and actually read the thing.
The big takeaway? Enemies of Trump (i.e., defenders of democracy and our last gossamer shred of national dignity) are embedded inside the White House.
Thank God for small favors.
Lewandowski and Bossie write that these officials “attack the administration with a thousand cuts. They do this in complete disregard to the millions of Americans who voted for Donald Trump. They do it only for their own ends. There are far too many people in the deep reaches of the federal government who harbor as deep a hatred of Trump as does anyone from the Clinton/Obama cabal. The thing is, they get away with it when no one is looking.”
In other words, they prevent the federal government from turning into a poorly managed truck stop Waffle House right before our eyes.
The two “authors” also sat down with Trump for a friendly interview. Which means they didn’t ask him anything particularly difficult and gave him as much line as he needed to garrote himself:
Lewandowski and Bossie met with Trump in the Oval Office on Sept. 20 for a friendly interview, an edited transcript of which appears in the new book. Trump told the authors that he considers the investigation by special counsel Robert S. Mueller III of Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election to have helped him politically.
“I think it makes my base stronger,” Trump said in the interview. “I would have never said this to you. But I think the level of love now is far greater than when we won. I don’t know, what do you think, Mike?”
Vice President Pence, who sat in for a portion of the interview, replied, “As strong or stronger.”
Jesus Christ, Pence. You’re like a more cartoonish Waylon Smithers.
If Trump really thinks the Mueller investigation makes him a stronger candidate, well, why does he rage-tweet about it every 15 seconds? Also, if he thinks he’s more popular than he was when he “won” the presidency, fine. It just means we’ll get to enjoy watching him walk into that buzzsaw an eensy bit more.
But my theory? Gasp! It’s a lie.
Lewandowski and Bossie use their book to settle scores with a number of fellow Trump advisers. They refer to Trump’s former personal attorney Michael Cohen and former campaign chairman Paul Manafort, who are cooperating with Mueller’s investigation, each as a “rat.”
The authors describe a cohort of White House aides — including former press secretary Sean Spicer and former deputy chief of staff Joe Hagin — as “the November Ninth Club,” arguing that they are establishment Republicans who did not fully support Trump until the day after he was elected, when they began angling for powerful government jobs.
Rats? Disloyal hangers-on? What is this, the Mafia?
Never mind. I think we already know the answer.
Yo! Dear F*cking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing is now available at Amazon! Buy there (or at one of the other fine online retailers carrying it), or be square.
But wait, there’s more! The Fierce, Fabulous (and Mostly Fictional) Adventures of Mike Ponce, America’s First Gay Vice President is also available at Amazon! You can get two great political humor ebooks for less than the price of the coffee you’ll be spitting out on your tablet when you read them!
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