Mitt Romney: If Republicans want unity, there's one really obvious step they can take

obama drops mic

During the 2012 election cycle I had a lot of fun with Mitt Romney before he eventually lost his presidential bid, strapped his dog to the roof of his car, and rode off into the sunset.

I never hated Mitt. He just seemed kind of feckless, what with his binders full of women and his wistful yearnings for a World War I-ready Navy.

That said, when he lost, he graciously accepted his defeat. He didn’t try to gut our democracy with a toothbrush shiv while Lady Liberty choked to death on her own blood in the corner of the exercise yard. He was a mensch, more or less.

And, for the most part, he still is — at least compared to the rogue’s gallery he runs with. And, well, he has a super easy solution for fellow Republicans who are currently clutching their pearls over impeachment.

Deseret News:

Romney, the only Republican who voted to convict Trump in the Senate trial last year, said to simply move on without holding the former president accountable would be inconsistent with the history of justice in the United States.

“I believe that it’s an element of unity, which I look forward to having resolved so that we can move on,” he said.

Romney took issue with Republicans who say a Senate trial would further inflame passions in an already divided country.

“I say, first of all, have you gone out publicly and said that there was not widespread voter fraud and that Joe Biden is the legitimate president of the United States? If you said that, then I’m happy to listen to you talk about other things that might inflame anger and divisiveness,” he said.

Easy-peasy. Now that doesn’t sound so hard, does it?

Just tell your constituents the truth, Republicans. I know it’s been a while, but I’m sure you can summon the resolve. 

Maybe join a 12-step program for pathological liars. Step one is to admit that you’re powerless over the massive mound of ossified gibbon shit pinballing around your cranium. Step two is to believe in a higher power. And before you ask — no, your higher power can’t be Donald Trump.

As far as I know, the next 10 steps are just another way of saying “stop being such a dick.” 

Or you can skip all that and just listen to Romney. Again, he’s not my favorite dude in the world, but he’s a damn sight more principled than the rest of you quasi-seditious clowns.

This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on author Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. Trump is gone, but the righteous mocking goes on forever. Thanks to Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Prsident A**clown and Dear F*cking Moron, you can purge the Trump years from your soul sans the existential dread. Only laughs from here on out. Click those links!

  • January 28, 2021