Last updated on February 13, 2021
My weary, rheumy eyes have seen a lot of heinous shit over the past five years. I’d like to donate my brain to science when the time comes, but I fear it’s too soiled now. The second they slice into it, ocher apparitions will start swirling around the room catcalling women lab workers and demanding McNuggets.
I’ve spent years willingly exposing my brain to all things Trump, and it’s finally rebelled. Every time I try to write “Trump” these days, my brain automatically changes it to “pestiferous jizztrumpet.” My brain’s not wrong, of course, but it’s a wee bit distracting nonetheless.
So when I see this kind of thing, well, my brain fucking screams in pain. Sorry, brain. This is kind of my job now.
“Parents and grandparents, great news! Mike Huckabee’s education company wants to help your family to celebrate President Trump and all he’s accomplished as our president. For a limited time, you can get The Kids Guide to President Trump [AJP: yes, he’s just as clueless about apostrophes as his hero] for free. This fun kids’ guide will help your kids learn all about the president’s greatest achievements. What’s more, it’s part of a very special gift bundle that includes a free kids’ magazine and free video lesson, too. To learn more and order the Kids Guide to President Trump gift bundle, just visit FreeTrumpGuide.com.”
I’m obviously not going to order The Kids Guide to President Trump gift bundle, so I’ll never know what’s in it. But maybe the guide helps lucky white kids find pen pals among the children Trump caged along the border. Wouldn’t that be sweet?
Or maybe there’s a Denny’s-style placemat maze in which young patriots are invited to help the insurrectionists find Nancy Pelosi’s office.
Or maybe it asks the kids to circle the 10-year-old girl Trump would most likely make an inappropriate sexual comment about.
So many fun possibilities! I’m sure you have your own suggestions.
Here’s just one testimonial, from Sandy D. in Orlando, Florida, where at this very moment they’re preparing an extra-large orca tank for Trump.
“I ordered this for my daughter who’s in the fifth grade. She studied the Trump presidency in school, but her lessons were biased like the media. The Kids Guides and video lessons are great! And she just LOVES the Everbright Kids magazine!! What a wonderful package! She looks forward to both each month—Thank you!”
Anyway, in case you’ve mistakenly swallowed a syphilitic hedgehog and are all out of ipecac, here’s the website. Don’t go there unless you want to lay your eyes on both Mike Huckabee’s smiling face and the most horrific affront to decency you’ve ever seen.
Remember, I fucking warned you.
”This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — BETTE MIDLER on author ALDOUS J. PENNYFARTHING, via Twitter. Need a thorough Trump cleanse? Thanks to Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Fcking Lunatic, Dear Prsident A**clown and Dear F*cking Moron, you can purge the Trump years from your soul sans the existential dread. Only laughs from here on out. Click those links, yo!
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