Remember when Donald Trump was “Individual 1”? Those were the days — before he became “President Tens of Thousands of Unnecessary Deaths.”
Well, it turns out Trump really is a businessman. He can do a cost-benefit analysis like a champ — so long as it relates to hiding porn-star sex from his wife.
So Michael Cohen wrote a book, and it combines the two things Trump hates most in the world — the truth about Donald Trump and reading.
One key excerpt from Cohen was when he had President Donald Trump sign hush-money checks to adult film star Stormy Daniels totaling $130,000. According to Trump, it was pocket change.
According to the Wall Street Journal, Cohen arranged the payoffs to Daniels and former Playboy model Karen McDougal at Trump’s instruction.
Recalling the discussion with Trump, Cohen says the president claimed $130,000 “is a lot less than I would have to pay Melania.” Cohen also recalls Trump musing, if news spread about Daniels, his supporters might “think it’s cool that I slept with a porn star.”
Yup, some of them might. The suburban women he’s trying to woo so he can continue despoiling the White House and everything it stands for? Not so much.
Seriously, what kind of parched, mummified nutsack of a brain thinks it’s “cool” to sleep with a porn star? I mean, nothing against porn stars. Some of them are real sophisticates. Ron Jeremy, for instance. But most men who’ve succeeded in graduating from junior high school in less than six years tend to have loftier ambitions. Paying off a porn star to hide your affairs from your wife isn’t usually among them.
But this is Trump. He’s not like us. What he thinks is “cool” tends to be ipecac to the rest of us.
Let’s 86 the asshole, tout de suite.
Good gourd, you won’t believe this. Two of Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s books are now available for 99 cents apiece — for a limited motherhumpin’ time, yo. Grab copies of Dear Fcking Moron: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 Letters to Donald Trump for this absurdly low price (in three days the price goes up to $1.99). And, as always, you can get your copy of Dear F*cking Lunatic and preorder the final installment Goodbye, Asshat.