I’m always gobsmacked whenever anyone gets in bed with Donald Trump—either literally or figuratively—because, for one, he never shows love or loyalty to anyone and, for another … ew, gross.

Last week, we discovered that glitching espresso machine cum coffee boy Rudy Giuliani wants Trump to pay him for his legal advice, which made me laugh harder than I ever have outside of watching H.R. Pufnstuf on acid. (For the record, I’ve never actually done this, but it’s on my bucket list, along with accepting a Pulitzer Prize for Political Commentary on acid.)

For one thing, you’d be better off trying to catch a magic fish who alternately grants wishes and legal advice than retaining Rudes as your attorney. For another, Donald Trump does not pay his fucking bills, you dopey naif!

One guy who knows this better than anyone is likely laughing his ruddy arse off as we speak. In a May 7 interview with MSNBC’s Joy Reid, former Trump lawyer and fixer Michael Cohen told the host that Rudy wouldn’t get “two cents” from our national butt tumor in exile.

The Hill:

“He’s going to get stiffed. All right?” Cohen said, adding that Trump “does not pay legal bills.”

“Nor does he learn from his previous mistakes, which is the same exact thing that he did to me,” Trump’s former lawyer added. “He doesn’t care about anyone or anything other than himself.”

Why does it take so long for these losers to understand these basic, irrefutable realities? How can you spend more than two minutes with Trump without fully sizing him up?

“He thought Donald Trump was going to pay him $140,000 a [week]. He has a better chance of sling-shooting himself to the moon,” Cohen responded while laughing.

“It’s impossible. Donald Trump wouldn’t pay him two cents,” he continued. “His feeling is, it is an honor and a privilege to go to prison for him, to do his dirty work.”

Later in the interview, Cohen, who was burned plenty as a result of his association with the Dread Blubber Ba’al, said he’d like to welcome Giuliani to the “under-the-bus club.” (All things being equal, I’d still rather join that club than Mar-a-Lago.)

The full interview is here:

Enjoy the clip. Unless you’re Rudy Giuliani, in which case my advice would be: Jesus Christ, dude; wake the fuck up.

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Just $12.96 for the pack of 4! Or if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.

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