Michael Cohen: 'I believe Trump does go to jail'

Michael Cohen, Donald Trump’s former lawyer and fixer, knows the Trump crime family better than almost anyone. And, needless to say, he’s no longer impressed.

After discussing his unlikely friendship with Rosie O’Donnell, who visited him in prison, Cohen told MSNBC’s Ari Melber he believes either Trump or a member of his family will eventually go to jail, too. (Starts at 1:50.)

COHEN: “I believe Trump does go to jail, and if it’s not Trump he’ll push one of the kids, probably Don Jr. before Ivanka, definitively Eric before Ivanka, but Ivanka will go to prison before Donald, because that’s just who he is. There’s enough actions. Look, I’m suing Donald Trump right now and the Trump Organization. There’s a plethora of litigation that’s going to come, so all of the people who probably aren’t watching this show, the Republicans and the followers of Donald Trump, go ahead, give him your money so that he now has a slush fund to use your money in order to pay for his dirty deeds. I mean, I just don’t understand what people are thinking.”

Well, naturally Trump can’t go to prison, because you only get one scoop of ice cream, and that orange jumpsuit will totally clash with his face. So that means one of his semi-sentient spooge stains will have take the fall. And, yeah, the order Cohen cites seems to be the most likely outcome. (Barron and Tiffany have likely stayed far enough from the crime spree to remain in the clear, but if he could send them in his place, you can pretty much guarantee he would.)

Personally, I’m skeptical that Trump will ever end up behind bars. He’ll run to Siberia before he allows that to happen. Or maybe to Chernobyl, where his unnatural, otherworldly hues will at last begin to make sense.

This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. The first history of the Trump error is complete! Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump is hot off the presses! Along with Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump, you’ll see the Trump years from a hilarious new perspective. Click those links, yo!