Mayor Pete responds to Trump calling him Alfred E. Neuman: 'I had to Google that'

How Donald Trump can simultaneously exist as a 3-year-old boy and an 80-year-old man is a wonder of quantum physics. He is the Schrödinger’s cat of decrepit, doddering old shite-stained toddlers.

Today, in a crass attempt to smear his alpha male gorilla poo on the much younger, smarter, braver, more inspiring, more urbane, more mature, and far less sweet potatoey Pete Buttigieg, Trump called the Dem hopeful Alfred E. Neuman, after the longtime Mad magazine mascot.

Yes, in a Politico interview on Friday, the actual president of the United States said, in reference to Buttigieg, “Alfred E. Neuman cannot become president of the United States.”

Well, Politico later caught up with Buttigieg to get his reaction. And — guess what? — it was just the sort of statesmanlike answer you’d expect from a president. Man, do I miss that:

”So I’ll be honest, I had to Google that. I guess it’s a generational thing; I didn’t get the reference. It’s kind of funny, I guess, but he’s also the president of the United States, and I’m surprised he’s not spending more time trying to salvage this China deal.”

You mean the president of the United States should be working on behalf of the United States instead of lobbing lame, half-baked, 50-year-old insults at Democratic primary candidates 18 months before the election? Calumny! Why do you hate America, Pete Buttigieg?

I can just see Donald Trump with his glass of Ovaltine and his lukewarm Sanka, peevishly flitting about the teevee channels looking for The Merv Griffin Show, and then suddenly a lightbulb goes on. “Hey, Alfred E. Neuman! Yaaassssss!”

Yeah, good one, Fixodent Donnie. I just hope you don’t get sued by the estate of Milton Berle. To Pete Buttigieg, you’re just one more racist old dude who compulsively watches Fox News and doesn’t know how to use email. He doesn’t look all that afraid of your bons mots. Oscar Wilde you are not, sir.

(Hey, I got through that entire diary without saying “What, me worry?”)

(Shit. Fucked it up.)

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  • May 11, 2019