Back in June posted Twitter user Bookdigger Jim’s unauthorized biography of drumpf, and a lot of folks enjoyed it.
Well, Jim’s sharpened his pencil and has now profiled nobody’s favorite senator, Lindsey Graham…
I’ll post his first tweet, in case you want to read the replies, then I’ll post a Twitter Thread Reader unrolling of the whole thing.
“LINDSEY GRAHAM: A PROFILE IN UNWAVERING COURAGE
Lindsey Graham is a bleached, drawling sycophant and wannabe jail guard with dog-jowls and the eyes of a radioactive crab. In October 2015, Graham called Trump a xenophobic, race-bating bigot, only to revel in the past three years like they were a drug-enhanced multiple orgasm.
Snarling moth to the flame of power, in 2015 the South Carolina senator himself ran for president with all the stupidity, but none of the momentum, of Forrest Gump. Campaign polling at 1%, Graham threw in the towel in December,briefly sulked, then super-glued his soul to the fickle carrot-coloured mammaries of Mad Lib Mussolini.
And the Trump era has certainly electrified Lindsey’s already callous authoritarian predilections.Since the unattended festival of poo that was Trump’s inauguration,he’s been a vocal proponent of the dipstick border wall, advocated for keeping detained migrants in camps for over 400 days, and put his toothy pug-face to the defense of Trump’s xenophobic, bigoted Muslim travel ban.
Graham’s most infamous of recent outbursts, though, was his yelled, impassioned indignation at Brett Kavanaugh’s Senate Justice Committee hearing, where he was apoplectic Republicans hadn’t been granted prior access to every sensitive detail of a serious sexual assault complaint against Weepy Justice Beach Week McBoof-Tears. This fidgety and melodramatic partisan conniption, evoking an amoral Atticus Finch with a salt-filled scrotum, garnered rave reviews on the right but was received by those present like the monologue of an unwashed bus station crank screaming how his doctor was a scorpion in a man suitand the pills made him worse.
When he’s not raging against the Democrats, Lindsey is possessed of the sort of relaxed post-dentist smile people use for their Tinder profile when the goal is to die alone, his third expression being a smug, frantic grin that displays a full madman’s acre of top tooth. The final face of Senator Graham is a hangdog womp womp ventriloquist dummy pout he employs when he thinks everyone is being unreasonable.
A former lawyer and retired U.S.Air Force Reserve colonel, you might presume Lindsey was an
internationalist with the faintest concern for human rights, in which case you’d be wronger than family Thanksgiving spin the bottle. Graham voted for the Iraq Resolution, supported a pre-emptive strike on Iran, and pushed for an invasion of Venezuela. Then, lest the callous
warmongering seem too coy, he stated on TV that a strike against North Korea would be worth the collateral damage – i.e. extreme suffering and widespread carnage –because at least that way it would be distant Asians blown up instead of anyone planning to vote for him.
As a Republican, Lindsey obviously thinks climate science is fucking stupid, opposes extending background checks for gun purchases, and has been all in on cutting Medicaid, repealing Obamacare’s individual mandate, and maintaining a key role for private insurers in the US
Despite this near-erotic attraction to killing people, Graham claims to be ‘pro-life’ and wants to ban abortion after 20 weeks on a national basis, something which he,as a wombless unmarried male, clearly has every right to dictate.
He also wants to drone strike people without calling a judge, yet another example of the incredible bravery he presented by daring to ‘evolve’ in his loyalties after Trump was nominated.
I want to be fair though, and to that end I’ll conclude in stating that Lindsey Graham is a sniveling blood-hungry hypocrite and flip-flopping lackey with no control over his emotions and an inconsolable hard-on for power.”
You really have a way with words,Bookdigger.
I don’t want to be greedy, but I think a take on Judge Kavanaugh himself would be very well received!