Of all the depredations Donald Trump has exposed my tender, guileless soul to, making me feel warm fuzzies for a Cheney — however fleeting those feelings may have been — is perhaps the least forgivable.

But hey, when the opposition party is overrun by rampaging orcs, I’ll take the steady, resolute hand of a mainstream lawful evil Republican any day. She’s the devil I know, not the devil who wants to scrape my face off with an industrial roast beef slicer and tuck into it with a hearty side of pumpernickel rye.

Which brings us to Liz Cheney. She appeared on Fox News Sunday this morning to rebuke the 350-pound tumor that’s metastasized out of control and all but taken over the erstwhile Grand Old Party. (So what should “GOP” stand for now? “Gross Ovoid Potato?” It’s Trump’s party, so …)  



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CHRIS WALLACE: “The week before last, your House Republican leader, Kevin McCarthy, met with Mr. Trump at Mar-a-Lago and said the former president will campaign for Republicans in the 2022 elections. So the question is, is this still the party of Donald Trump, and does Marjorie Taylor Greene still hold a solid place in that party?”

CHENEY: “Chris, we’re the party of Abraham Lincoln, we’re the party of Ronald Reagan. We have to really take a hard look at who we are and what stand for, what we believe in. I think when you look at both his actions leading up to what happened on Jan. 6, the fact that he was impeached in a bipartisan fashion, the fact that he lost the presidency, the fact that we lost the Senate. We have to be in a position where we can say we stand for principles, we stand for ideals. Somebody who has provoked an attack on the United States Capitol to prevent the counting of electoral votes, which resulted in five people dying, who refused to stand up immediately when he was asked and stop the violence, that is a person who does not have a role as a leader of our party going forward. We have to make sure that we are able to convey to the American voters we are the party of responsibility, we are the party of truth, that we actually can be trusted to handle the challenges this nation faces, like COVID, and that’s going to require us to focus on substance and policies and issues going forward, but we should not be embracing the former president.”

There’s a lot I want to correct in Cheney’s statement. For instance, the Republican Party is a lot more Trumpy than Abraham Lincoln-y these days. The only person Trump ever freed was his Diet Coke gofer, and only because he lost.

But here’s the one I want to focus on: “We are the party of truth.”

Uh, since when? 

At best Cheney can say she’d like to belong to the party of “not obviously lying about inauguration crowds and chunks of border wall that never got built.” In fact, what she’s really offended by is 1) Trump has given away the game because he’s a much less artful liar than his predecessors and 2) the drunken yahoos supporting Trump get wasted on Bud Light in parking lots instead of on dry Grey Goose martinis at $10,000-a-plate fundraisers.

Yeah, and then there was that whole Capitol insurrection thing. But calling out Trump over that disgrace is a slam-dunk. Or should be, anyway.

I want to give Cheney credit for standing on principle, but it’s a pretty easy and obvious place to stand. The fact that so many of her colleagues have chosen to hitch their wagon to a dyspeptic rhino who’s been tripping balls for the past five years doesn’t exactly make her a profile in courage. It makes her a profile in “Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with the rest of you twatwaffles?” Or something like that.

And just because Liz’s dad is Darth Vader, that doesn’t make her Princess Leia. 

She’s a Death Star flunky if I’ve ever seen one.

Hey! Ask me anything! Really, you can—in the official Twitter “Ask Me Anything” Pennyfarthing thread. You can ask about my latest book, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump … or my lifelong quest to become a real boy … or my uncanny, almost eerie resemblance to an elderly Jack Klugman. It’s up to you. Go now! Click here!

  • February 7, 2021
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