Is Lindsey Graham for real? No, that’s a serious question. Because he looks like a Rankin-Bass Claymation character to me. Lindsey, the misfit Christmas elf who never liked to make toys and forgot to show up for elf practice because his real dream was to loofah Donald Trump’s hide so he’d stop looking so much like a Costco rotisserie chicken.

Somehow ignoring the 26 (or so) credible sexual harassment, sexual assault, and rape allegations against the Abominable Showman, Lindsey hopped on Hannity last night to fuck us all in the ear with his big swinging quisling dick.

It went a little like this:

GRAHAM: “Well, here’s what I would tell my Democratic colleagues to do: Follow the Republican model. We had a Republican nominee for the Supreme Court be accused of something the day before we voted, the moment before we voted. We could have gone ahead saying, ‘This is too late, you sat on it, you didn’t tell us, this is not fair.’ We stopped the entire damn process. We had days and weeks of hearings. We had another FBI investigation. We took it seriously. And what should you do as Democrats regarding Cuomo? Do exactly what Republicans did.”


Oh, is that what happened? For some reason, I remember it differently.

If I recall correctly, that second FBI investigation of SCOTUS justice Brett Kavanaugh was like watching Inspector Clouseau and Ace Ventura jerk each other off on a Tilt-A-Whirl. In other words, it was never intended to go anywhere or, you know, find stuff.

A Washington Post editorial from September 2019 gave an indication of just how thorough the FBI was with its “investigation”:

In an article adapted from their forthcoming book on the Kavanaugh controversy, two New York Times reporters revealed that the FBI interviewed practically no one regarding one of the allegations against Mr. Kavanaugh, in which one of his Yale classmates, Deborah Ramirez, said Mr. Kavanaugh drunkenly exposed himself to her. “During his Senate testimony, Mr. Kavanaugh said that if the incident Ms. Ramirez described had occurred, it would have been ‘the talk of campus.’ Our reporting suggests that it was,” the reporters wrote. They found that federal agents interviewed none of the two dozen people who Ms. Ramirez said could bolster her story and ignored an allegation of a second episode of drunken misbehavior.

But, sure, give us some more lectures on the “Republican model,” Lindsey.

From what I’ve gathered, the Republican model is to vigorously deny all credible allegations against Republicans while characterizing any legitimate questions from Democrats as the lunatic ravings of dastardly traitors engaged in an obscene witch hunt.

Sure, we might try that model, but we actually have morals. And shame.

And, clearly, Republicans no longer have either.

Oh, hi there! You like free stuff, right? The long-anticipated EPILOGUE to Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump is now available for FREE. Download your copy at this link! And don’t forget to check out the rest of AJP’s oeuvre here. Sit back and enjoy the Trumplessness!

  • March 2, 2021