I’m a late adopter when it comes to pretty much any kind of technology. I think I inherited this quirk from my mom, who, if I’m not mistaken, still has a rotary-dial phone in her bedroom. I’m not sure what she uses it for. Maybe to make Burger Chef reservations or something. It’s not like her life is entirely devoid of modern technology, though. She has about 300 cable channels, and she watches at least one of them — Fox News.
So, yeah, I got on Twitter a little late in the game. But I’m there now. I have 4,037 followers. Sometimes I picture them literally following me in single file as I go about my day. Occasionally in these florid fantasies, I’m wearing a majorette uniform and hoisting a bedazzled baton. But you don’t really need to know that part. I’ve said too much already.
Very few of these followers, I believe, are Russian bots. So it’s possible I have just as many legitimate followers as Donald Trump. But that’s neither here nor there.
In the grand scheme of things, my Twitter following is paltry. But I’m still going to use it to 1) promote my upcoming book Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump (available now for preorder!) and (partly to ensure I don’t have to give all that preorder cash back on November 3 and partly to ensure I don’t have to peel my own face off with a carrot scraper) 2) help get Joe Biden elected.
You probably don’t much care about 1), but I assume you’re way, way into 2).
So here’s what I’m doing, brought to you in tweet form:
Yes, I’m counting down to the election with a series of tweets featuring excerpts from my books as well as other bons mots. I started 86 days out (on August 9) because we’re gonna 86 the motherfucker.
If you don’t follow me on Twitter yet … well, why the hell not? Bette Midler does. She’s even retweeted me — and every time she has I’ve lost my damn mind.
So check it out! We’ll have fun, games, punch, and piñatas — though the latter two will have to be virtual … for now. We’ll also be boosting Joe Biden’s signal as much as we can with just 4,000 followers.
Let’s march together to November 3. That party is gonna be off the hook, yo.
“This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. Find out what made dear Bette break up. Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its boffo sequels Dear Prsident A**clown and Dear F*cking Moron by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are now available for a song! And you can now preorder the final (fingers crossed) book in the series, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump. Click those links!