Well, not your pocket — an irredeemable dipshit’s pocket. But you already knew that.

Because Jared Kushner has done such a bang-up job with the coronavirus crisis, the opioid crisis, and Middle East peace, of course Republicans want to put Ivanka’s third-favorite dildo in charge of more things. I’ve heard of people failing upward before, but this is more like Augustus Gloop getting sucked up the chocolate pipe after gorging on sweets.


For the past six months, top Trump campaign officials, reporting to Jared Kushner, have been working on a radical overhaul of the Republican Party platform.

The president's son-in-law and top adviser has told confidants he wants to shrink the GOP's extensive platform of policy beliefs and principles down to a single card that fits in people's pockets. That's a huge change. The 2016 platform runs 58 pages — the product of extensive debate and heated negotiations.

A couple of thoughts on this before we go any further:

  1. Is Kushner doing this because he wants his father-in-law to actually read the GOP platform? Because shrinking a byzantine series of policy proposals down to the size of a 3-by-5 card hardly guarantees that — unless no fewer than 12 of the words are “Trump” and another 15 are at least tangentially related to the KFC fried chicken doughnut sandwich.
  2. On the other hand, “Fuck you, peasant” would fit snugly on a pocket-sized card.

The big picture: Overhauling the platform is no easy feat. Representatives from disparate and well-funded factions of the Republican Party live for their quadrennial fights over what goes into it, language for everything from hot-button social issues to America's relationships with allies and adversaries. And outside interest groups aggressively lobby to shape its contents.

I didn’t think it was possible to dumb down the Republican Party even further, but here you go. 

Apparently, Jared Kushner — whose measurable brain activity is roughly the equivalent of two Sea-Monkeys fucking in a dish of cold porridge — has confused a party platform with a mission statement.

I’m sure this will go about as well as everything else in his portfolio. How can it not? He’s a sooooooper jeeeeeeenious!

“This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. Find out what made dear Bette break up. Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its boffo sequels Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are now available for a song! Click those links, yo!

  • May 24, 2020