Last updated on January 27, 2021
Mr. Naiveté is here to tell you he thought maybe, just maybe, the very people who suffered the brunt of Donald Trump’s bumblefuck putsch might stand firm in their revulsion.
But of course they didn’t. The taste of spray-tan and pocky buttocks is simply too tantalizing for most Republicans to resist, and while Dr. Ben Carson was once able to separate a pair of infant twins joined at the head, separating Lindsey Graham from his host would require far more delicate surgery, and could very well kill him.
Oh, and yeah, House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy is also having trouble making a complete break with the now-moldering whale carcass he’s been indefatigably dry-humping lo these many years.
In an interview for Full Court Press With Greta Van Susteren that’s set to air on Sunday, McCarthy, who claimed in the aftermath of the Jan. 6 riots that Trump “bears responsibility” for the insurrection, said he’s not gonna let you off the hook either.
He stood by his assertion that Trump does bear some responsibility for what happened. But, he added, so does every other person around the country.“I also think everybody across this country has some responsibility,” he said.McCarthy then started pointing to Democrats who opposed Trump, Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif.), people who are rude on social media and law enforcement authorities who didn’t prepare for the attack as some of the people who were somehow responsible.“I think this is what we have to get to the bottom of, and when you start talking about who has responsibilities, I think there’s going to be a lot more questions, a lot more answers we have to have in the coming future,” he added.
Good God, man. Do you even hear yourself?
What the fuck did I do? I was sitting at home making perfunctory guesses about how many Corn Nuts I could fit in my mouth at once when a horde of Trumpian troglodytes started beating cops to death with fire extinguishers. Meanwhile, the actual president of the United States was reportedly looking on with delight.
Everybody across this country is blameworthy? Where was this spirit of shared responsibility during the Benghazi hearings, Kevin? Seems you only cared about one or two people’s role in that tragedy.
Seriously, this is the saddest rationalization of Donald Trump’s behavior I’ve seen yet. Yeah, he tried to get the speaker of the House and his own vice president killed, but you, Aldous, once called Trump an off-brand butt plug*, so off to the gulag with you! You can share a co-ed cell with Maxine Waters. Careful, she never shares her toilet gin, and her shivs can barely cut butter.
So let me just say this to Kevin McCarthy: I’ll take responsibility for my part in the Capitol riots (I’ll have to think about what that is, but sure, let the baby have his bottle) if you promise to permanently excise the ocher abomination from our politics.
Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.
Okay, your turn now.
This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on author Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. Trump is gone, but the righteous mocking goes on forever. Thanks to Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Prsident A**clown and Dear F*cking Moron, you can purge the Trump years from your soul sans the existential dread. Only laughs from here on out. Click those links!
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