We are all Jake Tapper this morning. (Hey, it’s better than all of us being Chuck Todd. Though if I were, I’d shave off that fucking goatee posthaste, and advise you to do the same. It just doesn’t work for his face. I mean, seriously.)

Tapper began CNN’s State of the Union this morning with a soliloquy on the gauche, decomposing brain of Donald Trump, who retweeted a conspiracy theory yesterday accusing Bill Clinton of killing Jeffrey Epstein in prison.

Here’s the righteous rant, in full:

“Hello, I’m Jake Tapper in Washington where the state of our union is appalled. We begin this morning with a retweet from the president of the United States. Not a message about healing or uniting the country one week after two horrifying massacres. Not about the victims of those tragedies. Instead, President Trump using his massive twitter platform — 63 million followers — to spread a deranged conspiracy theory tying the death of pedophile Jeffrey Epstein in prison to the president’s former political rivals the Clintons. I’m not going to show you the tweet, but the spokesman for former President Bill Clinton responded to the president retweeting it saying, quote, ‘Ridiculous, and of course not true, and Donald Trump knows it. Has he triggered the 25th Amendment yet?’

“President Trump could use his megaphone for anything, but the president often uses it to amplify that which is the worst of us — personal attacks, bigotry, and insane conspiracy theories. Officials say Epstein died by apparent suicide while in the custody of the federal government. The attorney general, William Barr, released a statement opening an investigation into how this happened, saying he was, quote, ‘appalled’ and saying Mr. Epstein’s death raises serious questions that must be answered. … 

“This is of course not the first time that President Trump has chosen to use his amplified voice to spread conspiracies. He lied about President Obama’s birthplace. He suggested Ted Cruz’s father might have been involved in the JFK assassination. He lied that he saw American Muslims in New Jersey on TV celebrating 9/11 when there is no such tape. President Trump has also given voice to the lie that the migrant and refugee crisis at the southern border of the U.S. is a plot by Jewish billionaire George Soros to fund a, quote, ‘invasion.’ That’s a conspiracy theory that was the motive for mass slaughter in Pittsburgh and El Paso. This is no longer just irresponsible and indecent. It’s dangerous.”


Not sure why Trump is still on Twitter, or why he’s not up to his eyeballs in slander and libel suits.

Then again, when the little presidential fort he’s built with the couch cushions in his living room is stripped away — in 2020 if we all do our part — he may face a reckoning.

Let’s hope so, anyway.

Is Trump still singeing your sphincter? Dear F*cking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its breathlessly awaited sequel Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are the salve you need! Reviewers have called these books “hysterically funny,” “cathartic,” and “laugh-out-loud” comic relief. And you can get them for less than the price of a cup of coffee … or a black-market Xanax … or five minutes of therapy. It’s time to heal, my friends. Buy now!

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