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Idiot first couple confuses New Year's resolutions with birthday wishes

2 min read

Happy new year!

These people are morons:

REPORTER: How about your new year’s resolutions?

IDIOT NO. 1: Peace on the world.

IDIOT NO. 2: Peace is right, but I’m not sure you’re supposed to say a resolution out loud. I don’t want to say my what my resolution is because I think we jinx it. But I can tell you we really have a good resolution, and it’s a resolution for our country.

And then he goes on to brag about some things that he didn’t actually accomplish or that were horrible ideas from the start. Economy, military, his deficit-exploding tax cuts, etc.

But here’s the thing. No one in the world thinks you can’t say your New Year’s resolutions out loud for fear that you’ll jinx them. What he’s thinking of are birthday wishes.

Also, “peace on the world” is not a resolution — it’s a wish. Unless you’re currently shelling your next-door neighbor with Korean War surplus artillery and decide it’s finally time to stop. Or, in Trump’s case, if you’re currently being played by a passel of brutal dictators and resolve to give them everything they want because you clearly have no idea what you’re doing.

But why should we expect the pr*sident of the United States and his wife to know ordinary things that any third-grader would know? I mean, it’s not like we’re supposed to be looking up to them or anything.

Okay, so I don’t do resolutions for a simple reason: If there’s something in my life that needs changing, I feel like I should get to it right away, not wait for an arbitrary day in the middle of winter. But this year I have one: Do everything in my power to make Donald Trump a one-term president. I pray that that’s your resolution, too.

So let’s get to it, shall we?

Yo! Pennyfarthing’s Trump-trashing series is now a trilogy! Grab your copy of Dear Pr*sident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing. And, of course, Dear F*cking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump are still selling like lukewarm-cakes. Reviewers have called these books “hysterically funny,” “cathartic,” and “laugh-out-loud” soul-soothers.

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