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How to cook a turkey and steal an election, by Donny Trump, age 5

3 min read

There’s something undeniably hilarious about those classic late night talk show segments in which kids are asked to relate the instructions (as they see them) for cooking a turkey.

Usually they say things like “cook the turkey for 100 hours at 50 degrees” or “stuff the turkey with potatoes, yams, pumpkin pie, and my dreams for a green energy future free of crippling college debt.”

It occurs to me, on this sacred day that reminds us all how thankful we are for the imminent arrival of a new president, that Donald Trump’s understanding of Western liberal democracy is about as shallow and muddled as a preschooler’s understanding of holiday cuisine.

Without a doubt, Trump is the most un-American president we’ve ever had — because he’s never bothered to understand this country, its democratic traditions, or what actually makes it great.

He has a 5-year-old’s understanding of the presidency — in that he thinks it means he’s in charge and can do whatever he wants, including eating ice cream for dinner and pardoning criminal associates who were brought up on felony charges by poopy-heads.

So it’s no surprise that his shambolic attempt to steal the 2020 presidential election (which, in case you hadn’t heard, Joe Biden won) is a childish and quixotic effort ungrounded in democratic norms, laws, and traditions.

In other words, it’s a lot like one of those kids’ turkey recipes.

How to Steal an Election, by Donny Trump, Age 5

  1. Tell everyone ahead of time that the vote is rigged because of poopy-head Democrats who can’t get over Crooked Hillary’s loss!
  2. Keep saying “rigged election, rigged election!” and if my friends don’t agree with me, they can’t be my friends or play on my Nintendo.
  3. Destroy the post office, because everyone hates them, and they cheat!
  4. On election night, say I won BY A LOT, even though they’re still counting fake votes!
  5. Threaten to go to the Supreme Court, which will definitely make me president because I gave them jobs!
  6. Tell my buddy Rudy to sue all the poopy-head blue states!
  7. Four Seasons Dildo and Death Shop!
  8. Dominion! Hugo Chavez! GEORGE SOROS! Bad, bad hombres!
  9. Fire the crazy lawyer when she gets too crazy, but keep the crazy-as-fudge attorney who looks like a microwaved shrunken apple head, even after his face leaks like a spittoon in a 19th century Denver brothel.
  10. Tell poopy-head Joe “Hidin’” he isn’t really president! Hide all the pens and staplers just in case. Change the nuclear launch code from “MAGA1234” to “JoeBidenIsPoop1234.”

Or something like that. Honestly, I think the real list would feature far more liberal use of word “poopy-head,” but you get the gist.

Happy (socially distanced) Thanksgiving, all! 

Try not to get in any fights with Trumpies and/or QAnoners. They make no sense and they’re not worth it.

Cheers

This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. The first history of the Trump Error is complete! Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump is hot off the presses! Along with Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump, you’ll see the Trump years from a hilarious new perspective. Click those links, yo!

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