Hillary Clinton Declared Winner in Advance of Tonight's Debate

Hillary Clinton is being declared the winner by pundits and campaign surrogates in advance of tonight’s debate. 

“It’s a struggle to keep on top of post-debate spin when Clinton does poorly,” said one campaign spokesperson speaking anonymously. “This time we’re getting ahead of the game by letting everyone know that, regardless of any contrary impression you may have, Clinton showed a strong command of the issues later tonight and sounded Presidential.”

Pundits from for-profit news organizations joined the effort to make a completely subjective, meaningless declaration of who “won.”

As one talking head put it, “Look, we’re all desperate to wrap ourselves in the warm, fuzzy security blanket of conventional wisdom. Nobody wants to be the odd one out who says Sanders won. Declaring Clinton the winner is the safest bet you can make so I might as well let everyone know that Sanders will seem angry while Clinton’s style conveyed conviction, even when she explained her latest new position on an old issue.”

Pre and post-debate spin will focus on the candidates’ style and one-liners with little discussion of how their policies would impact people, as usual.