Heartwarming proof that the president and VP are human beings who love their spouses

Time after time, Melania Trump slapped her husband’s hand away faster than a hummingbird could flap its wings. Assuming fusion power fails to pan out, it’s nice to know that her phalanges-flickin’ wrist is an untapped source of renewable energy that will last us at least until her death—or until he stops lunging at her like she’s a slab of seasoned gyro meat mere minutes from its expiration date. Whichever comes first.

While the Trumps are presumably mammals, I’ve no doubt Donald would eat his family members one by one if he needed to survive in an emergency. Hell, I’m convinced he’d tuck into Eric before ever eating a salad … or even a low-carb crouton. (Not Don Jr., though, because it would be all but impossible to adhere to the five-second rule for things that fell on the floor after injecting cocaine into their eyeballs.)

So it’s beyond refreshing now to have a president and VP who are not only competent but recognizably human.

  • April 29, 2021