Consistency really isn’t their thing, is it?

In the last election cycle, Tom Norton, a once and future candidate for Congress, challenged “RINO” Peter Meijer in the GOP primary for Michigan’s 3rd Congressional District. He lost. By a lot. Meijer captured 50.2% of the vote while Norton came in a distant third with 15.8%.

But that doesn’t mean he’s given up. His official campaign website is still live and accepting donations—no doubt in anticipation of an even more flaccid 2022 effort. To give you an idea of how clever Tom is, one suggested donation on his site is for $45.20 … because Donald Trump, our 45th president, “won” in 2020. (I would suggest people instead send 13-cent checks in honor of that time demibillionaire casino operator and adulterer” Donald Trump cashed his own 13-cent prank prize from Spy magazine, but I’d personally rather invest in a fourth Human Centipede movie than in this Trump-suckling milksop. Plus, 13 cents would likely be enough to earn me a producer credit.)

Anyway, Norton is in a froth over Mr. Potato Head and Dr. Seuss, because he realizes Fox News viewers will believe literally anything you tell them about Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, and AOC, so long as the story ends with them sitting in a drafty Gothic castle tossing stolen Trump ballots into a crackling fire while leisurely sipping a nice mulled baby’s blood aperitif.

For the nontweeters: “The government cannot take my Goya Beans, my Mr. Potato Head, my Dr. Seuss books or my AR-15. Come and take it. This is America. I’ll eat my green eggs and ham on Christmas in my pickup truck if I want to.Enough cancel culture.”

Yes, how dare a private company stop publishing some of the books in its catalog because it determined all on its own that those books were racially insensitive? And Mr. Potato Head? It was a disgrace when Biden issued that executive order requiring his balls to be yanked off in public by a team of Clydesdales. Potatoes have testicles, Joe Biden! Stop trying to erase our potato toy-themed heritage!

Not 24 hours later, of course, Norton was doing some canceling of his own. In response to Target’s announcement that it would continue to require its customers to wear masks in states, such as Texas, that have canceled their mask mandates, Norton wrote, “Boycott Target.”

Because we need to preserve and cherish the sacred polymer gonads of Mr. Potato Head, but old people in Texas? Not so much.

Well, some people noticed Norton’s bullshit posturing and let him have it:

And Norton, thinking he could pwn his detractors, promptly noted the difference between a “boycott” and, erm, a “boycott.”

NORTON: “Cancel culture is removing something from society, boycotting is a personal choice. That is the difference.”

Uh, except liberals were boycotting Goya. And six Dr. Seuss books and “Mr.” Potato Head were “canceled” by the companies that owned those properties, not by “the government.” In other words, they were engaging in free-market capitalism. And for fuck’s sake dude, no one is canceling Christmas. Every year by mid-November I’ve got fudge pouring out of every orifice like a holiday-themed Ebola monkey. I only wish someone could make it stop. Just for a moment.

If this is all Republicans have got, I’m encouraged.

Joe Biden and the Democratic Party are about to send Americans $1,400 checks over the objections of pretty much every Republican in Congress. Meanwhile, those same Republicans are shouting “let them eat Potato Heads.”

I think we win this round.

Oh, hi there! You like free stuff, right? The long-anticipated EPILOGUE to Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump is now available for FREE. Download your copy at this link! And don’t forget to check out the rest of AJP’s oeuvre here. Sit back and enjoy the Trumplessness!

  • March 4, 2021