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Giuliani witness and anthropomorphic rum hangover to run for Michigan House

3 min read

Remember Mellissa Carone? Of course you do.

She’s the crucial election witness who was so unhinged that Rudy Giuliani—who on a good day makes marginally less sense than a paint fumes hallucination—attempted to shush her while she spun her cray-cray stolen-election theories.

Many people thought she was drunk. When I first saw her, I thought she was drunk—and I was more baked than a batch of Toll House cookies at the time. 

In fact, so many people thought she was drunk during her testimony that she was later forced to insist she wasn’t drunk—which is exactly what a drunk person would say. 

Anyway, whether or not she was drunk, Rudy was unable to stop her from embarrassing herself, even with a headful of squid ink pointed right at her, poised to addle her into acquiescence.

So now she’s doing what many in the Trumpian mook menagerie are doing these days—greatly overestimating her importance.

Deadline Detroit:

The former contractor for Dominion Voting Systems confirmed Friday that she's running for Michigan's 46th house district in Oakland County on a platform of election integrity after claiming, without evidence, that she witnessed rampant fraud at TCF Center in Detroit in November.

“My ultimate goal is to get our ballots hand-counted and clean out Lansing just like draining the swamp in D.C. because that’s what we need,” she said.

Carone became the subject of a flurry of negative media attention and a “Saturday Night Live” sketch after filing an affadavit in an election-fraud suit and appearing Dec. 2 as a witness for Rudy Giuliani during a House Oversight Committee hearing in Lansing.

Of course, if I were Carone, I’d be doing my best to maintain a low profile, because Dominion Voting Systems has been handing out $1.3 billion lawsuits like they were Pez.

Dominion responded by sending a cease and desist telling Carone to stop spreading misinformation. Attorneys for the company said she did not have access to any insider information in her role at TCF, but that she'd been hired for one day through a staffing agency “to clean glass on machines and complete other menial tasks.”

Personally, I think cleaning glass on machines is beyond her ken. Maybe she should stick to huffing glass cleaner. (Allegedly!)

But what do I know? I’m obviously part of the steal. Right?

This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on author Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. Trump is gone, but the righteous mocking goes on forever. Thanks to Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Prsident A**clown and Dear F*cking Moron, you can purge the Trump years from your soul sans the existential dread. Only laughs from here on out. Click those links!

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