Ask Donald Trump how effective his maladministration’s coronavirus response has been and he’ll tell you it’s fantastic. The best. We test a lot of people, you know. And, anyway, he’s more focused on the real crisis facing America — the health and security of our nation’s most racially offensive statues.

But Dr. Anthony Fauci, who has mysteriously accumulated more medical knowledge than Donald Trump by earning a medical degree and working in the field for more than 50 years, confirms that we’re shite.

He recently gave an interview to FiveThirtyEight’s PODCAST-19, and here’s what he had to say about our “performance”:

Anna Rothschild: How do you think the U.S. is doing right now? If you’re looking across the world, what are your feelings about how we’re doing right now?

Antony Fauci: Well, let me say there are parts of the United States, like where you live right now [in New York], that are doing really well, that you’ve been through something really bad and you have things under control. And you have a governor and mayor in the city who understand what it means to go by the guidelines for the gateway, phase one, phase two, phase three. So you’re doing well. Other cities are doing well. But as a country, when you compare us to other countries, I don’t think you can say we’re doing great. I mean, we’re just not.

Do we need any more evidence than that? One of the world’s foremost immunologists says we’re sucking wind at one of the only things that matters right now. And our performance directly relates to the health of the economy, our collective mental well-being, and a host of other concerns. In short, nothing in this country gets better until we catch up to the rest of the world. And as Fauci surely knows but can’t say, that won’t happen until we jettison the angry bridge troll who lurks beneath our path to a brighter future.

Meanwhile, Fauci believes that some states jumped the gun when it came to reopening — which may be obvious to us but isn’t clear to, er, some people.

AR: Do you think that Florida and Arizona opened up too quickly?

AF: You know, I think in some respects, in some cases, they did not always. But I think that that certainly is contributing to that. Certainly Florida I know, you know, I think jumped over a couple of checkpoints.

That’s a diplomatic way of saying, “Jesus Christ, look at those effing dumbfucks in Florida. Try not to stare.”

Oh, and how’s this for soft-pedaling?

AR You know, for a few months, masks were quite a partisan issue, though in the past few weeks politicians on both sides have advocated for their use. Do you think America’s hyperpartisan environment has made it more difficult to suppress the virus?

AF: You know, I think you’d have to admit that that’s the case. We live, I mean, you have to be having blindfolders on and covering your ears to think that we don’t live in a very divisive society now, from a political standpoint. I mean, it’s just unfortunate, but it is what it is. And you know, from experience historically, that when you don’t have unanimity in an approach to something, you’re not as effective in how you handle it. So I think you’d have to make the assumption that if there wasn’t such divisiveness, that we would have a more coordinated approach.

Translation: Republicans in general, and Trump in particular, are killing us. They’re literally killing us — and especially themselves — to own the libs.

I can only imagine Dr. Fauci would prefer to work with a president who, I don’t know, actually listens to people who know what they’re talking about instead of engaging in screaming dialogue with the interdimensional fart gremlins inside his head. I’d like to see that, too.

So you know what to do.

GOTV, and Go Joe!

“This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. Find out what made dear Bette break up. Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its boffo sequels Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are now available for a song! Click those links, yo!

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