Last updated on October 21, 2020
Flaily McFails is in rare deform lately. He’s never been able to land a solid punch on Joe Biden so he’s reverted to his default setting, which is to just get crazier and crazier until something appears to stick. But for some reason when you look, talk, and behave like the guy who keeps getting kicked out of the bus station for masturbating to My Little Pony plushies, your opponent’s supposed senility is not really the touchstone issue you need.
Trump’s floundering (and clearly racist) entreaties to suburban women — who are apparently tired of the guy who refuses to wear a mask or otherwise act like a human being — are also falling flat.
So what’s left? Make stuff up, of course.
To be fair, Trump has been doing that his entire life — though his lies have taken on a more political bent over the past five years. But now he’s getting help from the reliably right-wing New York Post, which dropped a steaming turd of a story on the body politic yesterday. I don’t need to summarize it. Plenty of others have picked the carcass clean already, leaving a heap of bleached bones roughly the size and shape of Rudy Giuliani’s erstwhile integrity.
Needless to say, the story is risible. I knew it was hokum as soon as I read the lede, which included a silly and long-debunked assertion — namely that Joe Biden insisted on the ouster of Ukrainian prosecutor Viktor Shokin because Shokin was investigating Burisma, the energy company whose board Hunter Biden, Joe Biden’s son, had served on. Of course, Biden actually pushed for Shokin’s ouster because Shokin wasn’t investigating corruption.
Also, who the fuck drops off their water-damaged Mac (with incriminating data on it!) without leaving their name or contact info, and then just abandons it? Like, forever. Yeah, that’s normal human behavior.
But, whatever. Rudy Giuliani has a timeline, and his time is running out.
Of course, while the Post’s story reveals nothing new about Biden, it does show how desperate the flailing Trump campaign is. And everyone can smell that desperation.
Asked about the Trump campaign’s push to recast the 2020 race as a rerun of 2016, a former Trump campaign official and longtime Trump confidante said the latest attempts to turn Biden into Hillary Clinton 2.0 are evidence that current campaign officials know they are losing and aren’t sure what else to do.“They raised the money, but they didn't create the pathway to victory. They never figured out policy, he was never disciplined enough, so here we are, 20 days until the election… and they’ve realized that nothing they’ve done has worked, so they’re going back to what they originally did, which was to create chaos and create distractions,” said the official, who asked for anonymity due to Trump’s propensity for litigation.
In other words, BUT HER (er, HIS?) EMAILS!
“Donald has always done well with a boogeyman, and so the boogeyman they’ve created this time is Hunter Biden, but their obsession with him is so bizarre. And they’ve pushed it all the way to the other end of the pendulum, which is empathy — making people feel bad for him,” they said.Trumpworld’s push to make Hunter Biden the centerpiece of his campaign is just the latest attempt to turn the former Vice President’s sole surviving son into an albatross around his neck. Such efforts, which have been a singular focus of Giuliani’s since the conclusion of Robert Mueller’s investigation into ties between the Trump 2016 campaign and Russia, have persisted even after they led directly to Trump becoming just the third US president to face an impeachment trial before the Senate.
Maybe creating a boogeyman out of thin air worked with Hillary Clinton, who was smeared relentlessly for 20 years before she became the 2016 Democratic nominee. But the only real boogeyman left this news cycle is the coronavirus, and Donald Trump has been its best friend and de facto running mate.
So never mind those 220,000 dead Americans. The real danger is Hunter Biden’s conveniently resurfaced laptop.
We have them on the run. Let’s drown them in the river.
“This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. Find out what made dear Bette break up. Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its boffo sequels Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are now available for a song! Click those links, yo!
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