Everything you need to know about the previous guy's CPAC speech

I’ve been paying only intermittent attention to this weekend’s CPAC event. Not much has changed since they choppered Donald J. Trump out of Washington like a zoo manatee being returned to its natural habitat. Ted Cruz is still awful, and the rest of the Trumpaloompas remain firmly ensconced inside the regal rectum.

And, oh, today Trump spoke. Of course, he was an hour late for no reason. Because that’s just what you want in a leader—someone who’s super inconsiderate and reliably unreliable.

I didn’t watch the speech, because Trump’s being off Twitter has taught me a vital lesson: Too much direct exposure to that dim bulb will corrode your soul.

But here’s all you really need to know:

I can only assume there was some perfunctory-to-fervent flag-humping as well, depending on his current mood, but yeah, “The former president is lying a lot” is pretty much all the synopsis you’re going to need.

The GOP’s DNA is now lies … piled on top of still more lies. This is not a sustainable situation, even for these scoundrels.

Looks like the “America Uncanceled” convention attendees are just fine with a guy who literally tried to cancel democracy. An insurrectionist is their unquestioned leader now. I have to imagine this will end in tears—but hopefully just for Republicans.

”This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on author Aldous J. Pennyfarthing via Twitter. Need a thorough Trump cleanse? Thanks to Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Fcking Lunatic, Dear Prsident A**clown and Dear F*cking Moron, you can purge the Trump years from your soul sans the existential dread. Only laughs from here on out. Click those links, yo!