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Eric Trump simply can't believe Joe Biden got 80 million votes

3 min read

My favorite clueless conservative take on the (non)fraudulent 2020 presidential election is that there’s no way Joe Biden could have gotten as many votes as he did because he’s an old senile guy who didn’t even campaign whereas Donald Trump has a perfectly normal, non-diseased brain and is beloved across the nation and the globe.

It’s inconceivable, right?

I mean, who could vote against the guy who tore children away from their mothers and put them in cages, endorsed an alleged pedophile for a Senate seat, defended literal Nazis, undermined our alliances, kissed up to brutal dictators, criminally mishandled a deadly pandemic, ultimately added zero jobs to the economy, called fallen soldiers “suckers and losers,” insulted Gold Star families, tear-gassed peaceful protesters for the sake of a fascist photo op, petulantly brushed off at least 26 sexual assault and rape allegations, tweeted an Everest of elephant shit, and did it all while looking like an adobe-slathered humpback scrotum.

Yes, it’s inconceivable that such a titan lost to one of the most dedicated and compassionate public servants in the history of the country.

That’s some bubble, folks, and Donald Trump spawn Eric Trump is right at its center.


Yes, I do believe that, Eric. I also believe your father got 10 million more votes than he did in 2016, even though he basically killed 250,000 of us.

You see, a lot more people voted in 2020 than they did in 2016 and, more importantly, Donald J. Trump was the presidential equivalent of a gently used clown condom.

It’s really not a mystery, Earache.

And Twitter agrees with me …


So, yeah, not a huge puzzler, unless you spend all your time in the right-wing unreality bubble. Biden could have spent 24 hours a day campaigning exclusively in the World of Warcraft universe and I still would have voted for him. And tens of millions of Americans would have happily joined me. Biden didn’t have to do much of anything because Trump spent the bulk of each day demonstrating his clear unfitness for office — by spreading the virus through his irresponsible rallies, continually undermining our democracy, and acting like a howler monkey in a Carolina reaper-eating contest during both debates.

The real mystery is how Donald Trump got one vote, not how Joe Biden got 80 million. That I’ll never understand.

This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. The first history of the Trump Error is complete! Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump is hot off the presses! Along with Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump, you’ll see the Trump years from a hilarious new perspective. Click those links, yo!

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