Eric Trump appeared on Fox & Friends this morning with Steve Doocy, Ainsley Earhardt, and Brian Kilmeade.

It wasn’t exactly the Algonquin Roundtable. During the conversation, they passed the lone brain cell they share together to whoever wanted to speak next—like it was the tribal conch in Lord of the Flies or a group therapy leader’s Koosh ball or something.

And like a little boy who thinks the world disappears when he closes his eyes, Eric decided magic happens whenever his daddy steps into or out of the White House.

To wit: Eric Trump thinks Texas is freezing right now because of Joe Biden. Because, you know, Joe Biden has a Thor-like sway over the weather.

After Doocy asked Trump about his dad’s upcoming CPAC speech (in which he’s ostensibly going to talk about Joe Biden and all the Joe Biden-y things he’s done) as well as Trump père’s highly anticipated revenge tour, Tweedledee said this:

ERIC TRUMP: “Listen, I say it every day, but there’s 75, 80 million people who would follow my father to the end of the Earth. They love him, they love what he stands for. They love that he goes out and he fights for America. They love that he’s not scripted and he’s not the typical politician. He’s not a career politician, and, you know, they’re incredibly proud of him. They love that he’s hugging the American flag like you’re seeing right there in the B-roll, right? I mean, they love that about him, and you’re seeing less and less of that every single day, and so there’s no question he’ll play a pivotal role in politics for a very long time to come.”

Yes, you are seeing less literal flag-hugging from our POTUS every single day. That is accurate.

Instead, our president wants to rebuild our alliances, cease coddling our enemies, and bring competence back to our federal agencies. Instead of dry-humping flags into oblivion. Outrage.

Oh, but Eric wasn’t done. After saying he believes his dad “is the modern Republican Party” and that anyone who crossed him will likely get primaried, he disgorged this nonsense from his tumescent, sputtering Trump head.

ERIC TRUMP: “I think every single day Biden makes people miss Donald Trump more when you see these policies that are literally destroying jobs, that are destroying industries, that are causing Texas to freeze, that are cutting off our power to our energy grids, and all these other nonsensical policies.”

Okay, he can’t really be this stupid, can he?

I mean, granted, this is the Trumpian way. Take credit for anything good that happens while Trump was in office while disclaiming responsibility for anything bad. And the cutoff point is immediately when you or the other guy takes over. So Trump took credit for Obama’s recovery moments after he entered the White House, but a pandemic that he let spiral out of control and kill more than 500,000 Americans? Oh, let’s not look at that. It’s a trifle.

Of course, what we must focus on is Joe Biden’s alleged role in a Texas deep freeze that had literally zero to do with Joe Biden. Did Biden insist on deregulating Texas’ energy system and maintaining an independent grid that would keep it out of the clutches of “typical” politicians like Joe Biden?

Nah, that was Texas. In fact, what we’re seeing now is a conservative Republican hellscape whose paternity cannot be questioned.

But hey, when your followers think like children, you can speak like a child and get away with it. Particularly when you’re talking to a Fox News brain trust that can’t manage to cobble together a human brain between them.

”This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on author Aldous J. Pennyfarthing via TwitterNeed a thorough Trump cleanse? Thanks to Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Fcking Lunatic, Dear Prsident A**clown and Dear F*cking Moron, you can purge the Trump years from your soul sans the existential dread. Only laughs from here on out. Click those links, yo!

  • February 22, 2021