Dust Jacket Blurbs From An Upcoming Trump White House “Tell-All” Updated with bonus excerpt /s

Wow! I feel so, like, all Michael Schmidt and shit. Here I am, thousands of miles from Washington DC, and I have a legitimate scoop on my hands! Through a confidential source( he owes me $50) at the prestigious Bump-n-Grind Publishing House, I was able to get a sneak peek at an upcoming White House tell-all book by author Itzmi Izzatu, a former low level Trump staffer. The book is tentatively titled “I don’t get paid enough for this sh*t.” If the rest of the book is anything like the snippets I saw, they’re going to have to vut down the Redwood National Park to get enough paper for all the copies this thing will sell. Here’s just a few random short excerpts;;

I want to make perfectly clear from the start that I loved working in the White House, and that I support what President Trump is trying to do. I’d probably still be there if they hadn’t sneaked into the employees bathroom and caught me on the phone with  a NY Times reporter. I tried dropping my pants and claiming I was paying $5.99 a minute to “Bubbles” for this, but they didn’t buy it.

Contrary to popular reporting, the Trump White House is a well oiled machine. They get the oil in 55 gallon drums from a NASCAR used oil depository.

I can tell you first hand, that there is absolutely no marital discord between the President and the First Lady. Ever since she had that Judas peep installed in the guest bedroom door, the screaming has stopped completely, and you almost never hear national artifacts crashing against the bedroom walls.

One hack writer with a total hit job tell-all out reported that John Kelly had told him that Jared Kushner comes into the Oval Office every afternoon to take the President upstairs for a nap, and reads to him from Dr Seuss books. This is utter bullshit. They’re actually pop up books, and the President’s favorite is “The-Little-Engine-That-Could.

The President’s first order to the housekeeping staff was to set up weekly direct deliveries from Frito Lay to the President’s bedroom. The secret Service nixed this idea, saying that it would be impossible to ensure that the products had not been poisoned or otherwise tampered with. They offered to have a secretary run down every day to the 7-11 and pick up the stuff, since nobody would know what to tamper with. The President hated this idea, saying that the whole point of the weekly deliveries was to get the bulk discount. The Secret Service settled the issue by offering to instruct the secretary that if the store clerk was busy, she was to jam the bags under her coat and run out the door.

Despite persistent rumors, President Trump is neither fed up with, or disappointed in Rudy Giuliani. Despite his occasional shortcomings, the President knows that Rudy Giuliani is only trying to get him off. And if there’s one thing that the President is 100% all in with, it’s anybody who can get him off.

At this point, my source burst into the room, grabbed the manuscript, and told me to buy a copy like everybody else. But see what I mean?!? This is what this country needs more of right now, hard hitting, honest, no-holds-barred, in the room reporting from a a totally unbiased source. I don’t know about you, nut I’m checking Amazon hourly, to make sure that I get the first copy!

Well, that was fun. And hopefully, there was at least one thing in there that gave everybody who read this something to chuckle about. But the really sad part is that, as nonsensical as all of those blurbs are, if we ever read something similar on the front page of the Washington Post, we really won’t be all that surprised. Will we?

It is true that President Trump had originally wanted to nominate Judge Jeanine Piro to the Supreme Court instead of Brett Kavanaugh. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell reasoned him out of it by screaming, “Are you out of your fucking mind?!?” Next Trump offered the nomination to Judge Judy,but she told him that there was more dignity and integrity in her current TV gig. The President went to great lengths to hide from tKavanaugh the fact that he was not the President’s first choice, in fact he was “disgusting thirds.”

Copies of President Evil, and the sequel, President Evil II, A Clodwork Orange make perfect e-stocking stuffer gifts for people you really aren't all that interested in impressing. And what better time to get reacquainted with the roller coaster that was the 2016 election cycle than before the release of the final volume of the trilogy, President Evil III, All the Presidents Fen.

Cross posted on Politizoom.com

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  • January 22, 2019