Donald Trump is the angel of death. He’s a coronavirus super-spreader and the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse’s biggest fanboy. The only way his actions make any sense at all is if he’s actively and intentionally trying to kill Americans.

This morning, as you’ve probably heard by now, he retweeted confused hair-gel golem Chuck Woolery, whose 11-year stint as host of The Love Connection and his short-lived turn as Mr. Dingle on New Zoo Revue have made him more than qualified for a high-ranking position in the Trump administration.

Whoa, that’s a heckuva conspiracy, Chuck — one that involves not just the entire U.S. media and roughly half the country, but also pretty much every medical professional and government health agency on the planet. It’s the kind of absurd conspiracy theory that only Donald Trump could love. And he does. A lot. Because it feeds his sense of grievance and persecution, which he’s gone to great lengths to keep alive, despite the major obstacles that have been thrown in his path. (Meanwhile, he might start thinking about keeping you alive, erm, eventually. Sounds more like a post-election kind of thing, to be honest with you.)

“Trump 2020: What Doesn’t Kill You Will Kill You Next Term!”

So anyway, the Trump administration is, as we speak, going out of its way to discredit Dr. Anthony Fauci, one of the most respected and visible members of the administration’s coronavirus task force, which I can only assume is currently opening for REO Speedwagon at a series of increasingly bucolic county fairs across Wisconsin and Upper Michigan. (Seriously, though, where the fuck have they been?)

The Washington Post:

With U.S. virus cases spiking and the death toll mounting, the White House is working to undercut its most trusted coronavirus expert, playing down the danger as President Donald Trump pushes to get the economy moving before he faces voters in November.
The U.S. has become a cautionary tale across the globe, with once-falling cases now spiraling. However, Trump suggests the severity of the pandemic that has killed more than 135,000 Americans is being overstated by critics to damage his reelection chances.

At the same time, the president and top White House aides are ramping up attacks against Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation’s top infectious diseases expert. Fauci has been increasingly sidelined by the White House as he sounds alarms about the virus, a most unwelcome message at a time when Trump is focused on pushing an economic rebound.

How dare all those departed mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, and lifelong friends damage Trump’s reelection chances? It’s like they have no sense of patriotism at all.

Meanwhile, Joe Biden, our only hope, is criticizing Trump over his shambolic response to the pandemic — and, in particular, his recent decision to publicly turn on Fauci.

So here’s a thought: It seems there’s little Dr. Fauci can do in an official capacity anymore, considering he’s being undermined by our so-called government at nearly every turn. So why doesn’t he join the Biden campaign?

He could get his message out every day, uncensored, and we could all ghost Trump while getting a nice head start on the Biden era.

Sure, he wouldn’t be able to set actual policy, but that’s okay because — and I can’t state this emphatically enough — we don’t have a fucking coronavirus-mitigation policy. To the extent that we have any policy, it appears to be “hurry up and die before October so this nonsense stops monopolizing the news cycle. And then Trump can win your hearts and minds all over again with his unwavering pro-Confederate-statue agenda!”

So how about it, Joe? Bring Fauci onboard. He can do a lot more good with a sane boss than an insane one who approaches life-and-death challenges like a dyspeptic barn cat stuck in a well.

We can get back to daily coronavirus press conferences, but this time they might actually make sense.

What do you say?

“This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. Find out what made dear Bette break up. Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its boffo sequels Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are now available for a song! Click those links, yo!

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