To adequately convey to future generations how much the past four years were like staring at an M.C. Escher drawing while attempting to set the world record for most psychedelic toads shoved into a single human mouth at one time, I’m thinking about putting together a time capsule.
It will be dug up in 100 years, and one thing will be in it: the tape from Donald Trump’s April 23, 2020, press conference in which he suggested that injecting disinfectant or absorbing killer light rays may be a COVID-19 panacea. Included in that tape, of course, will be the contemporaneous reaction of former White House adviser Dr. Deborah Birx, who sat cow-eyed and mute with a stricken look on her face that seemed to say, “How did this shambolic pile of hair and adipose ever learn to talk?”
Well, nearly a year later, Birx, who appeared to be a bit too loyal to her boss during his COVID-supporting siege of North America, finally addressed the incident.
BIRX: “Those of you who have served in the military know that there are discussions you have in private with your commanding officers and there’s discussion you had in public. Frankly, I didn’t know how to handle that episode. I still think about it every day. When I was spoken to I said, ‘Not a treatment,’ but I don’t know. I guess some people thought I should run up on stage and interrupt this dialogue that was going on between the DHS scientists and the president, but I just was not trained in my years of training to react that way.”
Yeah, Dr. Birx, that would have been a good idea. Even if you didn’t have a straitjacket handy. I could think of at least a hundred episodes during which someone in Trump administration should have grown a gonad and tackled this candy corn-festooned swamp ape to the fucking ground before he could say another noxious word. Or maybe an airhorn or shock collar would have been more effective.
Someone needed to do something—that’s all I know.
And while I personally don’t think about this incident every day, it is a nice one to have in my bandolier for my next conversation with a Trumpaloompa, whenever that may be. Hopefully not too soon. I could use the rest, yo.
”This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on author Aldous J. Pennyfarthing via Twitter. Say “ba-bye” to the former guy. The long-anticipated EPILOGUE to Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump is now available for FREE. Download your copy here! And don’t forget to check out the rest of AJP’s oeuvre here.