Because Donald Trump lies about everything, right? All I need to hear is that Trump said something in order to determine—with metaphysical certitude—that that thing is false.

When I first heard about the alleged pee tape, I thought, “Hmm, interesting—but come on! Really? Too lurid to take seriously.” Now, after observing this pendulous sack of clown smegma pretty closely over the past five years, I’m not only convinced there’s a pee tape, I’d bet anything Marv Albert and Dick Vitale were at the foot of the bed doing color commentary and the San Diego Chicken shot the freshly profaned linens off the balcony with a T-shirt cannon shortly after the field of play was cleared.

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