So did anything newsworthy happen last night? I was screaming at absinthe fairies until 4 a.m. Wasn’t there some election in one of those deep-red states or something?
Oh, I remember now. Donald Trump set fire to the Republican Party and then exiled himself to Florida to stare at gimpy pelicans for the rest of his life.
And everyone—even many conservatives—now knows that he’s the political equivalent of a rampaging Chernobyl ape.
Blame Donald Trump: This is the third election in which Donald Trump has made himself the sole focus of a campaign, and the third election that Democrats won new voters and had fantastic turnout: 2018, 2020, and now 2021. Instead of the races being about control of the Senate, Trump made the election about himself and his baseless claims of voter fraud. By indulging these claims, Loeffler and Perdue were put into a civil war with their governor and other elected Republicans in Georgia. They also gave more reasons for Democrats to turn out.
At first glance, the combination of voter-fraud claims and some sloppy attacks on Warnock that seemed to hit upon the black church tradition he represents reversed the modest gains the Republican Party seemed to be making with black voters. Running an out-of-touch billionaire did the rest of the damage, likely depressing the left-behind rural whites who turned out for Trump in such astonishing numbers.
These two candidates and Trump would have had a hard time running a successful race outside of a Trump rally. Running this race in Georgia was politically criminal.
You sure you want to ride on these coattails today, Ted Cruz? The time to break with Trump was when he called your wife ugly and accused your dad of killing our 35th president. It’s way too fucking late now. Let the spray-tan residue on your arse-hoovering lips be your scarlet A.
How about you, Josh Hawley? Still up for a fight today?
And Tommy Tuberville? Well, Tommy Tuberville has the brain of a first-generation Furby. He probably thinks last night was a win somehow.
This is all so delicious.
All I know is if I ever have a party (I mean, one that involves more than just me sitting on the patio smoking weed until I turn into a Tennessee fainting goat), I will definitely invite Stacey Abrams. 1) I want to thank her profusely and 2) I may need someone who can turn my jars of sketchy water into fine wine.
I feel really good this morning for some reason. Funny how that goes.
This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. The first history of the Trump Error is complete! Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump is hot off the presses! Along with Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump, you’ll see the Trump years from a hilarious new perspective. Click those links, yo!