Conservative columnist insists Trump's July 4 speech made his critics look 'small'

It’s been noted ad nauseam that the bar has been lowered so far and so frequently for Donald J. Trump that some pundits will insist he looks “presidential” — no, they mean it this time — if he doesn’t crap in his own hand and start flinging said feculence at orphans.

And guess what? In the wake of yesterday’s Salute to America narcotic crapfest, they’re at it again.

No, Trump didn’t politicize the nation’s annual Fourth of July celebration like many expected. He merely made it incoherent, boring, and basically indistinguishable from a sixth-grade social studies report tarted up with tanks and jets.

First of all, there was the gaffe to end all gaffes — or in Trump’s case, the gaffe to prepare ye the way for more eardrum-chafing insanity down the road. You know, the bit about airports being captured during the Revolutionary War. Or whatever the fock that was. Jesus. Whatever you want to say about Trump’s “critics,” there’s really no recovering from that flub.

Secondly, at times — as when he recounted the famous Woolworth’s sit-in for civil rights — Trump delivered the speech with a ponderousness that suggested he was reading the information for the first time. Which — let’s face it — he probably was.

But that didn’t stop at least one conservative columnist from declaring the speech a tour de force, as well as a strong rebuke to Trump’s liberal, America-hating critics.

Marc Thiessen in The Washington Post:

Democrats complained before the speech that Trump was politicizing the Fourth of July. He did nothing of the sort. In a speech reminiscent of his outstanding remarks last month at Normandy, Trump delivered a soaring presidential address — a celebration of the greatness of our country. “As we gather this evening, in the joy of freedom, we remember that we all share a truly extraordinary heritage,” Trump said. “Together, we are part of one of the greatest stories ever told — the story of America.”

Uh, I saw snippets of the speech. It was anything but “soaring.” In fact, I may have fallen asleep. I can’t say for sure because I was saluting America in a far more respectful fashion than Trump — by getting high and laughing my ass off at President Bozo’s lumpish attempts to appear presidential.

Millions of ordinary Americans who tuned in to watch must have been wondering what the fuss was all about. Democrats promised they would witness a partisan address. But instead, they saw the president deliver a deeply unifying speech that celebrated America’s accomplishments, and the courage of our men and women in uniform. With each passing minute, the president looked larger while his critics looked increasingly petty and small.

Oh, honey.

This paragraph only works if 1) you’ve never watched a truly inspiring address like, say, Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech or 2) you’re a member of a newly discovered Amazonian tribe who knows nothing about Donald Trump or his presidency. 

Seriously, “unifying”? Try again, Marc. Lauding Trump for this “unifying” and “soaring” speech is like praising Hannibal Lecter for serving his dinner guests undercooked Beyond Burgers instead of the usual human liver and kidney pie. It won’t do.

This conservative habit of fulsomely praising Trump every time he doesn't act like an infant baboon has grown pretty tiresome. But there's virtually no chance his bootlicking enablers will change their ways. Not if they haven’t already.

Is Trump still singeing your sphincter? Dear F*cking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its breathlessly awaited sequel Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are the salve you need! Reviewers have called these books “hysterically funny,” “cathartic,” and “laugh-out-loud” comic relief. And you can get them for less than the price of a cup of coffee … or a black-market Xanax … or five minutes of therapy. It’s time to heal, my friends. Buy now!