PRESIDENTELECTBIDEN

At this point, waiting for Donald Trump to become “presidential” would be like Phil Spector’s embalmer/restorative artist asking if there’s something different they can do with his hair. Hey, how surprised would you be to see Donald Trump release amazing comprehensive health care and infrastructure plans that are all set...

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  • January 19, 2021

What if a seditious wannabe dictator with a patchy yam scalp and a head the size of an Igloo cooler threw a party and nobody came? We may find out yet. x (Scaramucci told them he's not going.)— Kaitlan Collins (@kaitlancollins) January 18, 2021 < p class=”is-empty-p”> For the nontweeterers:...

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  • January 18, 2021

This post-election period has been like no other, for reasons I don’t need to restate. While every outgoing president and presidential challenger in my lifetime—even Nixon, FFS!—left the White House and/or relinquished claims to power more or less gracefully, putting country far above self and party, Donald Trump is a...

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  • January 18, 2021

In other words, a monstrous, noxious, venal scheme to lightly garnish the shart soufflé that is Donald Trump’s presidency. The New York Times: As President Trump prepares to leave office in days, a lucrative market for pardons is coming to a head, with some of his allies collecting fees from...

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  • January 17, 2021

Gott im Himmel. WTF? The MyPillow website has an active promo code “QAnon” which gets you a $45 discount. (h/t @weijia for this discovery) MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell visited the White House yesterday to meet w/ Pres Trump (45), armed with notes referencing martial law and election conspiracy theories https://t.co/Nz7jloe1ra..&#46;

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  • January 17, 2021

The Washington Post is my go-to online news source — unless you count Daily Kos, of course, at which I loiter like a teenager contemplating his 11th Mountain Dew Baja Blast refill on a Saturday afternoon at Burger King. I prefer The Post because it appears to irritate Donald Trump even more than The New...

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  • January 16, 2021

Back when Donald John Trump was impeached …. erm … the first time, the Queens Daily Eagle tickled its readers with the cheeky headline “Queens man impeached.” Well, they’re back at it, and it’s still really fucking funny. Queens man impeached — again A Queens-born real estate developer made history Wednesday when he...

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  • January 14, 2021

To be fair, if I were in Congress, some of my siblings would be calling for my removal pretty much every day. And they’d pull out all the stops. No doubt they’d release photos of me sitting naked in the tub with my boats, having just made a boom-boom of...

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  • January 13, 2021

So this morning, after whining about Big Tech, which is doing a “horrible” thing to our country (any time our pr*sident says anyone is doing anything to “our country,” just substitute “Trump” and then it will make perfect sense), Trump was asked about his role in what happened last Wednesday at...

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  • January 12, 2021

Coonskin Gandhi (aka Jacob Chansley, aka Jake Angeli, aka the Odin of Assholes) is currently in a detention facility after checks notes attempting to overthrow the legitimate government of the United States. He put on quite a show for us last week after breaching the Capitol doors and howling at...

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  • January 11, 2021

Our last two Republican presidents were all but tarred and feathered and run out of town on a rail. I can’t imagine why anyone would want another one. It’s like buying another Pinto after the first two spontaneously combusted in your face. (That’s a really old reference, I grant you....

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  • January 11, 2021

Donald Trump is ending his presidency the way he began it—as a squishy wad of id that just can’t get over how unfairly it’s been treated. Because he has the miasmic ego of a tyrant and the self-awareness of a prechewed legume, Trump is eschewing quiet reflection and self-recrimination in...

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  • January 10, 2021

Yes, this dude was from Florida, because 2020 just does not want to let go. It’s okay, 2020. Shhhh. It will be all right. Go to the light. 2021 is clearly up to the task. The Hill: A man who was photographed carrying Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s (D-Calif.) lectern during the Capitol...

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  • January 9, 2021

Yes, this dude was from Florida, because 2020 just does not want to let go. It’s okay, 2020. Shhhh. It will be all right. Go to the light. 2021 is clearly up to the task. The Hill: A man who was photographed carrying Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s (D-Calif.) lectern during the Capitol...

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  • January 9, 2021

Derrick Evans, the suuuper-genius who filmed himself participating in a violent insurrection, has resigned from the West Virginia House of Delegates. MetroNews: “I hereby resign as a member of the House of Delegates, effective immediately,” Evans said in a one-page letter submitted to Gov. Jim Justice and the House. The House...

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  • January 9, 2021

Okay, this is kind of significant. And since Joe Manchin, among the least liberal Democrats of Congress, could be a thorn in the leadership’s side, it could be seismic. The Anchorage Daily News: U.S. Sen. Lisa Murkowski said Friday that Donald Trump should resign the presidency immediately and that if...

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  • January 8, 2021

Not sure how this will fly after yesterday’s events, but here it is. The worst person in the country wants to grant himself clemency—because if you want a job done right, you have to do it yourself. Plus, everyone else thinks he’s a lunatic now. (Join the club, obsequious idiots.) The...

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  • January 7, 2021

This is one of the weirdest days of my life—just slightly behind that time I astral projected to another timeline where Trump was a middling car salesman in Des Moines and Fred “Rerun” Berry was president. (Rerun is a revered and beloved leader, by the way—with or without the beret.) And...

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  • January 7, 2021

Once again, shocking but not all that surprising. Hasn’t anyone in the federal government ever glimpsed at Parler? And the NAACP is pointing out the unbelievable hypocrisy in all this. x And you thought “Taking A Knee” was too much!?!— NAACP (@NAACP) January 6, 2021 (For the non-tweeterers: “And you...

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  • January 6, 2021

I’ve seen clips of Trumpies insisting they’ll be at Donald Trump’s inauguration on January 20, 2021. They’ve already booked their rooms and everything! Come on! Of course he can still win! It’s predestined! So here’s MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell, who looks like the Muppet version of Alex Karras and is also convinced oleander...

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  • January 6, 2021

Wait, are Republicans just starting to realize that ratfucking an electoral system that handed the presidency to the popular vote loser twice in the past 20 years might not be so great for them? While the Republican coup caucus plans to raise a righteous ruckus over the free and fair...

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  • January 5, 2021

I’m not really worried that this passel of dyspeptic donkey brains will actually succeed in overturning our free and fair election. Donald Trump can scarcely complete a poo attempt, much less a coup attempt, so the future of our republic seems secure for at least the next four years. And...

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  • January 5, 2021

Sidney Powell, the cray-cray-kraken lawyer, has been pretty loose with her tongue when it comes to, you know, slander. And now, one of the entities she’s (allegedly) slandered over and over again is through playing nice. Axios: Dominion Voting Systems plans to sue attorney Sidney Powell “imminently” for defamation, and...

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  • January 5, 2021

Rep. Ted Lieu spoke with MSNBC’s Ayman Mohyeldin today and told the host why Lieu and fellow member of Congress Kathleen Rice opted to refer Trump’s recent call with Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger to the FBI. (Hint: Because Trump is a gangster doing a bunch of gangster shit. That’s...

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  • January 4, 2021

Yes, where are David Perdue and Kelly Loeffler? Why aren’t they supporting Trump’s righteous crusade to STOP THE STEAL?!?!? x Why are my own #GA Senators ⁦@KLoeffler⁩ & ⁦@Perduesenate⁩ not supporting this effort? ⁦@SenatorLoeffler⁩ ⁦@sendavidperdue⁩ #DoNotCertify #StoptheSteal #MillionMagaMarch #JAN6 #GAsen #gagop https://t.co/ZJ8ZSZsZiN— Amy Kremer (@AmyKremer) January 2, 2021 < p...

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  • January 4, 2021

Not since the Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang have I been so freaked out by a creepy, middle-aged man offering candy to a bunch of wee-brained children. But that’s what’s happening now, as Ted Cruz leads his coup caucus into a doomed—and entirely performative—fight to appear to attempt...

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  • January 3, 2021

So by now you’ve heard that 12 angry phlegms are going to keep pretending through January 6 and beyond that something untoward occurred during the November 3 election, during which a clear majority of the country told Donald Trump not to let the door hit him in the ass on...

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  • January 2, 2021

Rep. Louie Gohmert, whose brain is a ‘70s-era Easy-Bake Oven with a burned-out bulb and a decades-old rump roast moldering inside, is wailing about his recent failed court challenge, which argued that Mike Pence gets to unilaterally declare himself vice president for life because they’re all out of off-the-charts insane ideas...

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  • January 2, 2021

We have reached peak absurdity, folks. Two days ago we learned that at least 140 GOP House members had signed on to Donald Trump’s lifelong quest to quiet Fred Trump’s stentorian cries of “LOSER,” which have ping-ponged in POTUS’ head like a pair of droopy, zero-gravity Murdoch balls for the past...

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  • January 2, 2021

I almost feel bad about using a crazy person to undermine the Republican Party, but then they’ve happily and willingly done that to themselves over the past five years. Pro-Trump attorney Lin Wood is nuts. Full stop. Two days ago he strongly implied that Chief Justice John Roberts is a murderer and...

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  • January 1, 2021

Congressional Republicans have savagely beclowned themselves throughout the Trump era. I thought the worst degradation would be their refusal to hold Trump accountable during the impeachment trials, but the lickspittles were far from done licking and spittling. According to CNN’s Jake Tapper, at least 140 reality-challenged cowards are planning to...

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  • December 31, 2020

Is this like conservatives abandoning Twitter for Parler?  Actually, no. Sounds a bit more like people threatening to move to Canada if we pass “socialized” medicine. Because, uh, where the fuck are they gonna go for cheaper shit brought to you by workers who have been more cruelly exploited? Seems...

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  • December 31, 2020

Well, it’s not quite the same as drowning in a shallow pool of his own flop sweat, but anything that irritates this gormless, tumescent-headed, retrograde fuckstick delights me. CNN: His mood darkened as soon as he walked into his members-only club Mar-a-Lago, three days before Christmas, according to multiple sources....

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  • December 29, 2020

The New York Post. Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post. The “Ohmygerrrrrd, Hunter Biden’s Laptop!!!!!” New York Post. That newspaper is telling Trump to shove a moist woolen sock in his Hamm’s-hole, fer cripes’ sake. NY Post cover/editorial: "Sidney Powell is a crazy person. Michael Flynn suggesting martial law is tantamount...

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  • December 28, 2020

As he prepares to ride off into the sunset on a screeching, incontinent llama, Donald Trump is wasting no time in abusing his power even more than he already has. While he still hasn’t given up on turning the U.S. into a hereditary monarchy that swears allegiance to a damp sack of...

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  • December 22, 2020

This is what happens when you put crazy in the White House. The import of the job doesn’t humble such folks. It makes them barmier than ever. And so you get an unhinged 11th hour death rattle from a blue-pissing mad king. Axios: President Trump, in his final days, is...

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  • December 22, 2020

This had to happen, because I have not laughed nearly enough about Trump’s feckless fraud fucknuttery quite yet. They found fraud! Near Philly! A fake vote for … Donald Trump! x Is this our first documented case of an actual ballot cast in the name of a verified dead person in the...

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  • December 21, 2020

You may have heard over the weekend that Donald Jizz-O-Matic* Trump has reached the pre-bunker phase of his months-long post-presidential pout. Several news outlets reported that Trump hosted weirdo dead-enders Sidney Powell and Michael Flynn on Friday, and he considered naming Powell a special counsel to investigate the ghost of Hugo...

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  • December 21, 2020

It’s too, too easy. It’s like Sarah Palin’s intumescent spider sac exploded five years ago and seeded the Earth with omnipresent fucknuttery. And now there’s almost too much conservative cray-cray to make fun of. The semi-sentient bout of cocaine sweats that claims to be the pr*sident’s son has been unwittingly embarrassing itself...

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  • December 20, 2020

How is it possible that my respect for Donald Trump can still be diminished on December 19, 2020? As COVID-19 kills more than 3,000 Americans a day and Russia basically declares war on our country, Trump is monomaniacally focused on embarrassing himself further. He’s lost to Joe Biden, other casino operators,...

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  • December 19, 2020

You know, if these people weren’t literally trying to destroy the most powerful and influential democracy in the history of the planet, this shit might be kind of funny. Oh, who am I kidding? It’s fucking hilarious. Lin Wood, the guy who either practices law or sells gently used RealDolls and...

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  • December 19, 2020

You may know Lindsey Graham as one of Donald Trump’s favorite — and most expendable — colon polyps. But there was a time he pretended to be a senator … with his own opinions and everything. When he ran against Donald Trump for the GOP presidential nomination, he was among the...

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  • December 18, 2020

It’s rare when one’s surname so precisely comports with the actual contents of one’s head, but Tommy Tuberville is a rare bird indeed. Senator-elect Tuberville, who will soon give Sen. Ron Johnson a run for his money when it comes to retaining the title of America’s dumbest senator, doesn’t know...

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  • December 17, 2020

Laura Loomer is an Islamophobic nut who lost her long-shot bid to represent Florida’s 21st Congressional District by a whopping 20 points, despite (or maybe because of?) an endorsement from Donald Trump. x Great going Laura. You have a great chance against a Pelosi puppet! https://t.co/pKZp35dUYr— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump)...

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  • December 17, 2020

Mitch McConnell acknowledged President-elect Joe Biden’s Electoral College victory earlier today and KABOOM … you knew this was coming. In MAGA-land you can say a satanic cabal of Democrats is harvesting the blood and organs of children for some reason known only to them, but don’t say Joe Biden has won the...

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  • December 15, 2020

Of course, Tucker Carlson is a journalist in the same sense that Joseph Goebbels was. Which means, not at all.  The Hill: Fox News host Tucker Carlson took aim at incoming first lady Jill Biden on Monday evening, downplaying her doctoral degree in education amid the escalating controversy over whether she should use the...

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  • December 15, 2020

Uh, try loser of the millennium … German magazine Der Spiegel has a new story recounting Donald Trump’s final loser-ly days in office. And Germans know a lot about fading tyrants hiding in bunkers, so … x Donald Trump hat die Pandemie stets verharmlost, dann erkrankte er selbst an Covid-19...

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  • December 12, 2020

Schaden-Friday never fails! Needless to say, this is one of the more bizarre (and sad) things I’ve ever seen. x pic.twitter.com/GgwnkrGz9U— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 11, 2020 < p class=”is-empty-p”> NARRATOR: “President Trump created millions of jobs, saved the economy from a worldwide pandemic, and led the effort to...

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  • December 12, 2020

I’m from Wisconsin, and I lived there for most of my life. I’ve occasionally joked that my fellow Wisconsinites’ choosing Ron Johnson over Russ Feingold (twice!) felt a little like your mom divorcing your dad so she could date Carrot Top. In other words — FUCKING INSANE! But as fatuous and...

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  • December 10, 2020
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