CapitolRiot

BREAKING NEWS: Saruman’s orcs are having a hard time finding jobs in the new post-Mordor economy. Several Uruk-hai have applied for au pair positions in the Shire and been flatly refused. Who knows why? Might have something to do with their brazen attempt to overthrow Gondor, but it could be anything,...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • June 19, 2021

New Federal indictment of another group organizing actions at the 1/6 insurrection. “Police chief turned OC yoga guru turned capitol rioter/ III percenter.” Two of them, Alan Hostetter and Russell Taylor, were seen a day before the riot with Roger Stone. These charges are separate from the 16 members of...

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  • Avatar of annieli
  • June 10, 2021

On Jan. 6, Donald Trump took advantage of a phalanx of weak-minded sheep to do his bidding, sending them into the fray at the Capitol while he cooled his bone-spurred heels in the safety of his KFC-redolent villain’s lair. That’s not my assessment. Except for the KFC part, that’s basically...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • May 18, 2021

Now that we’ve entered the “none of that really happened” phase of Donald Trump’s Bumblefuck Putsch, I guess indelible images like—oh, I don’t know—a fucking insurrectionist waving his Traitor Pride flag in the halls of the U.S. Capitol can scurry on down the memory hole, with all the other outrages from...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • May 15, 2021

Pat yourself on the back if you sized Donald Trump up in two minutes, like a normal person. You could have instead been Ethan Nordean, who wasted years of his life and squandered his precious freedom for a guy who’d likely feed him to alligators—or a marginally more reptilian creature...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • May 14, 2021

For some reason I don’t have complete faith in this vote audit they’re performing in Arizona. For one thing, hardly anyone heard of Cyber Ninjas, the company that’s performing the audit, before this farce commenced. For another, the company is named “Cyber Ninjas.” That’s like going with a wealth management firm called...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • May 1, 2021

No one has ever tried to have me killed before (that I know of), but if someone did, I doubt I’d sing hosannas and paeans to him mere months after he’d sent a mob to my workplace to murder me—or after he’d ignored my plaintive cries for help when said mob...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • April 30, 2021

It’s time to allow the noble elephant, which was long ago conscripted into service as the symbol of the modern GOP, to go live on a sanctuary or something. Because we’ve found the perfect totem for today’s Republican Party: a terrified loser sitting on a toilet clutching a Civil War...

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  • Avatar of Mastergardener2k
  • April 27, 2021

Republicans desperately want you to forget the events of Jan. 6 and their aftermath. Unfortunately, the guy who caused the riot (at least according to Mitch McConnell) is still the face of their party, and so they have to do an awkward little dance where they pretend he’s actually not a...

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  • Avatar of News Corpse
  • April 25, 2021

We’re hearing lots of reports about just how many cops and military types were part of the Jan. 6 insurrection at the Capitol. There was also some indication that some of the Capitol Police management was in on it. Now there’s more disturbing news from the House Administration Committee: Lofgren:...

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  • Avatar of dankoh
  • April 21, 2021

I’ve never seen so many snowflakes in my life, and I grew up in Wisconsin. It’s still mind-boggling that so many Trumpaloompas thought they could storm the U.S. Capitol, openly engage in a violent insurrection, and then grab some Arby’s on the way home and chill with a box of Fiddle...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • April 10, 2021
  • 2

Mike Pence. The very sound of his name brings to mind albino purse poodles, lightly masticated tapioca starch, and unscented urinal cakes. Or a mayo-larded potato salad that looked safe when you were in line at the church potluck, but somehow just isn’t sitting right anymore. To call him nondescript would be...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • April 8, 2021

So remember that guy who used to be president, but he lost the election and so he tried to incite a mob to overturn the results of that election? No, I’m not talking about Martin Van Buren. You know who. Well, he also owns a bunch of hotels, and a global...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • March 24, 2021

What’s funnier than Mike Pence being sent to the doghouse after spending four-plus years as Donald Trump’s captive purse poodle? I honestly can’t think of anything—though if Ted Cruz falls down an open manhole while looking at My Little Pony furry porn on his phone, I may have to reassess.  Months...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • March 22, 2021

I don’t know, maybe this works for her. I’m not sure how Twitter’s trending topics actually become trending topics, but I can only assume that if, say, someone started the hashtag #AldousJPennyfarthingIsANoxiousShiteCrumpet, taking to Twitter to refute that notion while appropriating that same hashtag would tend to, I don’t know, amplify...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • March 21, 2021

Do these people think they’re going to turn to stone if they tell the plain truth about the 2020 election? Republicans these days act as if the Eye of Sauron is always looking, looking, looking, and if they dare mention Donald Trump’s name in vain, the Mar-a-Lago Nazgul will be...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • March 19, 2021

So this is the guy who’s suddenly an expert on voting machines and algorithms. Mike Lindell, the reason tech support people often drink on the job, called into the Domenick Nati Show recently to talk about … erm, something. Probably voter fraud, but who knows? He may have also been touting...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • March 15, 2021

You have to hand it to MyPillow Guy Mike Lindell. When life hands him lemons, he eats them so fast they become deadly choking hazards. His latest nonsense? He’s launching a new social media platform to compete with YouTube and Twitter, which for some reason no longer allow videos and...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • March 13, 2021

Hey, I get it. If I’d tried to overthrow the legitimate government of the United States, I probably wouldn’t want to be tried in Washington, D.C., either. Because, you know, Washington residents tend to frown on such hijinks. So it only makes sense that Jenny Cudd, the (alleged) insurrectionist who used...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • March 12, 2021

I’m actually somewhat encouraged by Republicans’ latest attempt to gin up a Joe Biden scandal, because if this is all they’ve got then, well, they got nuffin. President Biden has yet to give a full press conference as president, and that supposedly means … something. Naturally, conservatives are hinting that the...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • March 10, 2021

The tweets are gone, and they’re never coming back. You probably already saw yesterday’s dispatch from the McRib-bespattered writing nook of our ex-pr*sident. (Is the McRib back yet? I can never keep track. They’re like meaty cicadas crawling out of the ground when you least expect it. Though if anyone...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • March 5, 2021

It’s fitting that this year’s CPAC conference is being held in Orlando, a land of make-believe where thousands of folks travel each year to gawk at a surly, splotchy whale flailing around with no real purpose other than to wow a small cross-section of Americans who’ve grown bored with taunting the three-legged goat at their local petting...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • February 27, 2021

I’d like to think I’m as patriotic as the next guy—so long as the next guy isn’t a Republican. I mean, given their ongoing deification of an insurrectionist who was reportedly “delighted” about the trashing of the U.S. Capitol and the near extrajudicial killing of his own vice president, Republicans...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • February 26, 2021

The Capitol insurrection was less than two months ago, and in that time, Jacob Chansley—who calls himself the “Q Shaman” and helped lead a violent takeover of the Capitol in a furry Viking hat and face paint—has come around to repudiating Donald Trump, even as Sen. Mitch McConnell has come around to embracing...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • February 26, 2021

For a brief interval following the Jan. 6 insurrection-palooza, I thought the conscience of our nation—and, by extension, that of the Republican Party—might finally be shocked into dropping the grotesquely irresponsible “this election was stolen from Donald Trump” canard. I mean, people died as a direct result of this lie,...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • February 25, 2021

U.S. Senator Ron Johnson (R. WI) has been making headlines today for saying stupid bull shit like this: Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wis.) in a new interview said he didn’t think the Jan. 6 Capitol riot seemed like “an armed insurrection” and praised former President Trump‘s Senate impeachment trial attorneys following his acquittal. Johnson...

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  • Avatar of Sam Sero
  • February 16, 2021

This is just a knee-jerk answer, right? “I know you are but what am I” is what we used to say on the playground when we were called dorkwads or dinguses or what have you. I’ve been rolling it around in my wee, breezy head for a couple of minutes,...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • February 16, 2021

If you want to catch Sen. Ron Johnson in a lie, just ask him a question. If you merely want to catch him, put a peanut in a box with a hole that’s big enough for him to slide his hand through but not big enough for him to remove...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • February 15, 2021

Yesterday we got a full accounting of the cowardice of the Republican Party. If even half of these craven cockwaffles had been around in 1941, we’d all be eating sushi and playing Nintendo. Or, um, doing more of that, anyway. Also karaoke. Marginally more karaoke. But we’d be paying for it...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • February 14, 2021

Like most of the rest of you, I’m a tad miffed at Democrats’ capitulation to evil. In agreeing to forgo impeachment witnesses and simply read the latest evidence of Donald Trump’s ghastly treachery into the record, congressional Democrats decided to get this all over with lest Republicans delay the proceedings...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • February 14, 2021

I’m embarrassed to admit that for a rare, fleeting moment on Wednesday, I actually thought the House managers’ presentation was compelling enough to make Mitch McConnell’s heart grow three sizes, and I imagined he’d ride his sleigh into the town square and deliver justice to all the Whos down in...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • February 12, 2021

Yeah, I remember feeling this way after Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan. No fucking way can they make another Friday the 13th movie. I mean, that’s ridiculous, right? Twenty years later, after three more sequels and a reboot, I looked like a damn fool. Not as foolish...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • February 11, 2021

Okay, I’ve been sporadically watching the impeachment trial today. Sporadically, because watching the trial isn’t literally my job. I had other pressing matters to attend to as well. But this is Josh Hawley’s job, at least for the moment—and, well, he doesn’t seem too interested in doing it. You remember Josh,...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • February 10, 2021

I’m not going to get my hopes up for this. Mitch McConnell has done the right thing exactly once in his 200 or so years on this planet. Of course, that was when he rebuked his fellow members of Congress on Jan. 6 for vowing to challenge the electors in...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • February 10, 2021

Wow: Michigan Senate Majority Leader Mike Shirkey (R) was caught on tape making cracks about physical violence against Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D), who last year was the target of a kidnapping plot by right-wing militia extremists. He was also recorded spreading lies about the Jan. 6 attack on the U.S....

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  • Avatar of Sam Sero
  • February 10, 2021

Good God, man. This is what you guys are going with? Really? Everyone deserves a mulligan? First of all, this is Trump’s second impeachment, so he’s already received one mulligan courtesy of the Cowards of the Congress. Secondly, he’s already taken a lifetime of mulligans, both on the links and,...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • February 9, 2021

Wading into Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Twitter account is like walking into a virology lab in a Speedo to draw blood from the Ebola monkeys. If it’s my job, I’ll do it; but I’m going to need a Silkwood shower and a booster shot of something (and I’m not ruling out...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • February 9, 2021

Received this e-mail yesterday from former Governor Terry McAuliffe’s (D. VA) gubernatorial campaign: One month ago we watched in horror as violent insurrectionists stormed the U.S. Capitol. All told, five people died, and with reports of bomb threats and threats on the lives of the Vice President and the Speaker...

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  • Avatar of Sam Sero
  • February 9, 2021

“Democracy is not self-executing.” Trump manufactured numerous technicalities to make a long-shot work, and failed. He tried to fabricate a state of martial law via an inside job, as the Trump Defense Secretary disarmed DC National Guard prior to the 6 January insurrection. Fortunately the proto-fascists in the mob were far...

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  • Avatar of annieli
  • February 6, 2021

This is why they lie. Because they get away with it—and it works. GOP Rep. Nancy Mace, who earlier this week questioned Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s personal account of the Capitol insurrection, is now soliciting funds based on her lies. Now, the coup attempt that we all saw with our own...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • February 6, 2021

Even in exile* Donald Trump can’t stop fucking up and embarrassing the shit out of us. Whoever’s on deck this week to defend Trump in his impeachment trial (it’s either Barry Zuckerkorn or Lionel Hutz; I forget which) is so sharp, they can’t quite spell the name of the country Trump was...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • February 2, 2021

I’ve been white my whole life (and, believe me, it’s never been this embarrassing), so I understand white privilege. As a young teenager, I got into some minor hijinks involving snowballs and cars that landed me in the back seat of a cop car for about five or 10 minutes....

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • February 2, 2021

Some big news happened this week out of North Carolina: Less than 48 hours after announcing his campaign for North Carolina’s open U.S. Senate seat in 2022, N.C. Sen. Jeff Jackson raised more than $500,000, with 90% of donations from North Carolinians, 78% of contributions under $100, and no contributions from...

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  • Avatar of Sam Sero
  • January 31, 2021

Received this e-mail this week from former presidential candidate, Rep. Beto O’Rourke’s (D. TX) organization, Powered By People: Beto O’Rourke (D. TX) Within just two weeks of Senator Ted Cruz inciting violence at the U.S. Capitol, Powered by People volunteers sent over 500 letters to local newspaper editors, putting pressure on them...

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  • Avatar of Sam Sero
  • January 31, 2021

Big news today out of North Carolina: x Hey folks – I'm officially running to serve North Carolina in the U.S. Senate. You deserve leadership that listens and learns. So we're making this a true 100 county campaign. This is Day One. Your support now means a lot:https://t.co/RyDJdgULeR pic.twitter.com/rGKgspujZK— Sen....

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  • Avatar of Sam Sero
  • January 26, 2021

So locking kids in cages, praising “very fine people on both sides,” shivving democracy, criminally mishandling a pandemic, and lying nonstop were not enough to make Trumpies permanent pariahs. But it looks like inciting a murderous mob may have finally done the trick. Go figure. Now that the ex-prez with...

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  • Avatar of Aldous Pennyfarthing
  • January 25, 2021

Fucking traitor: Democrats can’t have it both ways: an unconstitutional impeachment trial & Senate confirmation of the Biden admin’s national security team. They need to choose between being vindictive or staffing the administration to keep the nation safe. What will it be: revenge or security? — Senator Ron Johnson (@SenRonJohnson)...

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  • Avatar of Sam Sero
  • January 22, 2021

From CNN: Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer said that the House's article of impeachment will be delivered to the Senate on Monday, triggering the start of the Senate's impeachment trial of former President Donald Trump. “I have spoken to Speaker Pelosi who informed me that the articles will be delivered...

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  • Avatar of Sam Sero
  • January 22, 2021

While I didn’t plan on getting back to posting election diaries until after today, I figured it was important to post this: x This was tweeted by field director of @NRSC run by @SenRickScott. pic.twitter.com/ej5rTL82Qu— Daniel Uhlfelder (@DWUhlfelderLaw) January 20, 2021 So this is a preview of what we are...

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  • Avatar of Sam Sero
  • January 20, 2021

Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell said today that Trump and other leaders  provoked the mob the attacked the US Capitol Building January 6 though he would not say if he will lead Senate Republicans in voting to convict Trump of impeachable offenses. “The mob was fed lies,” Mr. McConnell said, referring...

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  • Avatar of Mastergardener2k
  • January 19, 2021