Brain

It goes without saying that most congressional Republicans know the Big Lie is just that—an absurd fabrication spun from the gossamer remains of their party’s perpetual pants pyre. Donald Trump was always going to lie about the 2020 election results. It’s what he does. He lied about the election he won, for God’s...

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  • October 13, 2021

You could say Ted Cruz is about as funny as a debilitating brain parasite, but that would be imprecise. He’s as funny as a brain parasite attempting to do prop comedy at 1 a.m on a Wednesday at a Sioux Falls Holiday Inn. In other words, much less funny than your workaday...

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  • October 10, 2021

When Donald Trump inevitably chokes to death while trying to swallow an entire Costco rotisserie chicken, you can pretty much guarantee he’ll still be clinging to his nonsensical claims about the 2020 election. His belief that he was robbed last November is simply impervious to facts. Meanwhile, any meager morsel...

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  • October 9, 2021

I don’t know about you, but I used to feel pretty on edge whenever Donald Trump left the country. As bad as it was having him here, seeing him take overseas trips felt a bit like that scene in The Silence of the Lambs where Lecter escapes from his cage...

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  • June 16, 2021

On Wednesday, Rep. Liz Cheney was bounced from her leadership position in the House GOP for refusing to acknowledge the eternal, immutable, omnipotent godhead recently incarnated in the form of a mealy, incontinent panic yam in order to drain the D.C. swamp and save the world from blood-hoovering pedophiles like Tom...

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  • May 13, 2021

Yoo-hoo, ladies! You’ve hit the manly man trifecta: conservative, biblically correct dudes who want to marry you as soon as effing possible! How can you refuse? A new “traditional” dating website, Dominion Dating, plans to launch on Aug. 1 with “1,000+ bold, biblical singles … ready to build families, shape culture &...

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  • April 29, 2021

I was listening to an Apple representative explain this: Apple and partners launch first-ever $200 million Restore Fund to accelerate natural solutions to climate change Investment builds on the company’s forestry and responsible packaging innovations to deliver new financial and climate returns. The partnership aims to unlock the potential of...

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  • April 19, 2021

Finally! A voice for white people in the United States! I’ve felt like a second-class citizen ever since … okay, I’ve never felt that way. Nevertheless, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Paul Gosar, who might be able to cobble together a fully functioning brain between them if it doesn’t have to be...

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  • April 17, 2021

During last year’s second presidential debate, Donald Trump made certain to note how horribly things were going on his watch: “We have to open our country,” the big, dumb adobe mud hut brayed. “We’re not going to have a country. You can’t do this, we can’t keep this country closed. It is a...

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  • April 15, 2021
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By way of a baffling and contradictory threat in explaining his position, Senator Mitch McConnell, in his best southern drawl, warned “Co-cola” to not be “stupid.” Addressing a gaggle of reporters in Kentucky,  McConnell said, “It’s quite stupid to jump in the middle of a highly controversial issue,” he went...

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  • April 7, 2021

If I were a betting man, I’d wager that Matt Gaetz’s head is filled with equal parts brain matter, nougat, Nickelodeon slime, and unidentified ooze. I’d bet my 2004 Pontiac Vibe on it. And my entire McLaughlin Group Pog collection. So you might want to put on your 2017 solar eclipse...

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  • April 1, 2021

On Tuesday, Illinois Sen. Tammy Duckworth backed down from a threat to delay approving Joe Biden’s Cabinet nominees because of a lack of high-level Asian American representation among the president’s brain trust. She made the announcement after receiving assurances from the Biden administration that it would strive for greater AAPI representation...

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  • March 24, 2021

He’s not the only one, of course. For instance, I’m convinced Matt Gaetz has the largest head-to-brain-size ratio in the animal kingdom and that Louie Gohmert is the lamentable result of a failed attempt to breed a white supremacist lemur with a bowl of beets. Then there’s Lauren Boebert and Marjorie...

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  • March 21, 2021

In a new PSA featuring every (adult) former president, the COVID-19 vaccine takes center stage. The message: Don’t be a dick. Get the vaccine. Or at least that was my takeaway. Only one ex-president did not participate, indicating (again) that Donald Trump needs more than just a psychiatrist. He needs someone to...

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  • March 11, 2021

There’s really only one Ted that’s applicable to an unconfirmed source trying to connect Greta Thunberg with the Unabomber and that’s Ted “Zodiac Killer” Cruz. Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg has mocked Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) after he criticized President Joe Biden‘s decision to rejoin the Paris climate agreement. “So happy that USA has finally...

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  • March 11, 2021

I still remember when Donald Trump got up in front of a throng of masochistic fools and said, of his plutocrat-friendly 2017 tax cut bill, “This is going to cost me a fortune, this thing, believe me. This is not good for me. … I think my accountants are going crazy...

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  • March 8, 2021

These kinds of stories drive me up the wall. There’s nothing heartwarming or cute about this, but it’s the kind of thing people in this country slurp up like syrup. Nothing against the journalist who brought this grotesquerie to light, but my takeaway from this tragic tale is that we...

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  • March 1, 2021

Though my spot on the introversion spectrum lies somewhere between Kleenex box-wearing Howard Hughes and urine-collecting Howard Hughes (and as I continue to age, I’m on a bullet train to raw-fish-eating Gollum), I still usually get sick in the winter, at least once. In the past, while grocery shopping or taking...

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  • February 28, 2021

Wasn’t it just last week that Moscow Mitch said, no to impeachment but took to the floor to say “Lock him up” and then within the last 24 hours saying with all listed below, if he is the primary candidate he would absolutely vote for the orange thing?  My head...

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  • February 26, 2021

Eric Trump appeared on Fox & Friends this morning with Steve Doocy, Ainsley Earhardt, and Brian Kilmeade. It wasn’t exactly the Algonquin Roundtable. During the conversation, they passed the lone brain cell they share together to whoever wanted to speak next—like it was the tribal conch in Lord of the...

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  • February 22, 2021

Sorry but having lived a long time is Pinko Commie Europe this morning I was gobsmacked by this piece of news. Mr. Willoughby is among scores of Texans who have reported skyrocketing electric bills as the price of keeping lights on and refrigerators humming shot upward. For customers whose electricity...

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  • February 21, 2021

My weary, rheumy eyes have seen a lot of heinous shit over the past five years. I’d like to donate my brain to science when the time comes, but I fear it’s too soiled now. The second they slice into it, ocher apparitions will start swirling around the room catcalling...

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  • February 11, 2021

Club rules seem to apply and Democrats don’t have the Senate votes to convict, perhaps wishing to settle for impeaching Trump twice, despite the insurrectionist attack on the Capitol. GQP senators’ cowardice continues with their fear of Trumpist voters, not wishing “to purify government, prevent future crimes and give warning to those who...

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  • February 9, 2021

Tommy Tuberville, the first member of Congress to be named after the inside of his own head, is at it again. The brand-new Alabama senator is locked in an epic battle with Wisconsin’s Ron Johnson to see whose brain will pass out of his body like a kidney stone first,...

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  • February 3, 2021

I’m not sure what happened to Rudy Giuliani. I never liked him all that much to begin with, but once upon a time he seemed marginally sane. I don’t know if someone fed him after midnight or if the Furby chip in his head is overdue for replacement or what, but...

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  • January 27, 2021

I don’t have a lot to add to this because my brain runs on omega-3 fatty acids, schadenfreude, and bile. But this video did make me tear up a bit. I’m only human, after all. Self-explanatory. Enjoy … Watch this—chills! Thank you @GirlUp for capturing this historic moment. pic.twitter.com/jXemzpchTs — Samantha Power...

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  • January 22, 2021

I often worried about Dr. Anthony Fauci back in the fore-fore times. If people weren’t accusing him of advocating monstrous and/or feckless policy proposals, the so-called president of the United States was only too happy to do so. Donald Trump is so anti-science, he managed to turn a 5-foot, 7-inch,...

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  • January 21, 2021

Donald Trump is gone, but the gaslighting on his behalf continues. Rep. Steve Scalise is trying to plant this little brain parasite in our heads so we all think the Trump administration wasn’t the unending series of surprise late-night taint waxings we all perceived it to be: x Biden wants...

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  • January 21, 2021

This post-election period has been like no other, for reasons I don’t need to restate. While every outgoing president and presidential challenger in my lifetime—even Nixon, FFS!—left the White House and/or relinquished claims to power more or less gracefully, putting country far above self and party, Donald Trump is a...

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  • January 18, 2021

So this morning, Melania Trump helpfully pointed out to all us plebs who the real victim of the assault on the Capitol is: Melania Trump. That’s no surprise. Trumps are always victims—of the whiniest sort. If Donald Trump ever sincerely took responsibility for anything, I’d start checking random D.C. basements...

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  • January 11, 2021

So did anything newsworthy happen last night? I was screaming at absinthe fairies until 4 a.m. Wasn’t there some election in one of those deep-red states or something? Oh, I remember now. Donald Trump set fire to the Republican Party and then exiled himself to Florida to stare at gimpy...

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  • January 6, 2021

I’m not really worried that this passel of dyspeptic donkey brains will actually succeed in overturning our free and fair election. Donald Trump can scarcely complete a poo attempt, much less a coup attempt, so the future of our republic seems secure for at least the next four years. And...

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  • January 5, 2021

Rep. Louie Gohmert, whose brain is a ‘70s-era Easy-Bake Oven with a burned-out bulb and a decades-old rump roast moldering inside, is wailing about his recent failed court challenge, which argued that Mike Pence gets to unilaterally declare himself vice president for life because they’re all out of off-the-charts insane ideas...

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  • January 2, 2021

Congressional Republicans have savagely beclowned themselves throughout the Trump era. I thought the worst degradation would be their refusal to hold Trump accountable during the impeachment trials, but the lickspittles were far from done licking and spittling. According to CNN’s Jake Tapper, at least 140 reality-challenged cowards are planning to...

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  • December 31, 2020

One of the cardinal sins of commentary writing is not to name-call or insult your readers with invectives. In this case, I am going to purposefully violate the rules, I am not sure how else to label the 126 Republican members of the United States House of Representatives and at...

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  • December 28, 2020

Why does it feel like Trump is hearing the Christmas story for the first time as he reads this? Tell me I’m wrong. x This is not a Saturday night live skit but it sure feels like one pic.twitter.com/XTYzrP2mqy— Molly Jong-Fast🏡 (@MollyJongFast) December 24, 2020 < p class=”is-empty-p”> x x...

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  • December 25, 2020

Whoever stuck the Tin Man funnel in my head and power-blasted a veritable Niagara of DMT into my brain, please just stop. I get it. Nothing makes sense. And if I see the White Rabbit I’m gonna bite his head off. And I’m a fucking vegan, for fuck’s sake. So, yeah,...

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  • December 20, 2020

How is it possible that my respect for Donald Trump can still be diminished on December 19, 2020? As COVID-19 kills more than 3,000 Americans a day and Russia basically declares war on our country, Trump is monomaniacally focused on embarrassing himself further. He’s lost to Joe Biden, other casino operators,...

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  • December 19, 2020

That very soon I will not have to think about the orange shit-stain. Hopefully he will be relegated to books no one reads, just gathering dust alongside Ayn Rand’s worthless works. If not for the republican and their media disinformation campaign for at least forty years he would have been...

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  • December 15, 2020

If I got a nightly DMT sponge bath from a celestial choir of self-transforming machine elves, things could not get much weirder than they are now. Everyone with a gossamer thread of a brain remaining in their skulls knows Joe Biden is president-elect. But numerous congressional Republicans (i.e., almost all of them)...

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  • December 9, 2020

This actually started a couple of months ago in my fevered Black Irish mind. At the time, I was writing yet another of my seeming endless sarcastic, caustic articles about His Lowness, and just by happenstance, I took the title of a rather famous song. To be perfectly honest, that...

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  • December 7, 2020

This post in the Anticapitalist Chat supports a group reading of Karl Marx’s Capital Vol 1. #GoodMorningMarx #WeeklyMarx. Not quite this type of commodity, but more like a pork barrel. x “Ah, pork bellies, I knew it.” ~Louis Winthorpe @dan_aykroyd https://t.co/yeVcYIYtqF— Stephen Bates (@batess) December 3, 2020 M. Proudhon has the misfortune of...

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  • December 4, 2020

So this is why all decent candidates have graciously conceded in the past. When you don’t, you really stir up the crazies. One of those cuckoo cocoa puffins is none other than Michael Flynn, the disgraced former national security adviser and admitted felon. And presumably because he’s an ex-general who’s...

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  • December 2, 2020

My favorite clueless conservative take on the (non)fraudulent 2020 presidential election is that there’s no way Joe Biden could have gotten as many votes as he did because he’s an old senile guy who didn’t even campaign whereas Donald Trump has a perfectly normal, non-diseased brain and is beloved across the nation...

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  • November 28, 2020

So today, Donald Trump called an impromptu press conference in order to swiftly take credit for the rising stock market. After the Dow cleared 30,000 for the first time ever, Trump rushed to gild his own lily-white ass. (I assume he doesn’t spray-tan there, but who knows? I also assumed 70...

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  • November 24, 2020

CISA director Chris Krebs learned he was fired by reading Trump’s tweet. Trump and the bunker path of scorched earth could end in Trump fleeing Berlin and driving a scooter into a lake. “Like a drowning man, he grabs on to whatever false accusation he can as a lifeline.” x...

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  • November 18, 2020

Our healthcare system is a disgrace. Unfortunately, too many believe we are stuck with it. Is that what you believe as well? Until most Americans realize that we are in the same boat, we will continue to get policies that fail us all. The leaders of our economic system strategically...

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  • November 17, 2020

Do you really believe the little turtle and pig Barr and loonie Graham and others will go so far as to try and disenfranchise the first Black /Asian woman VP in American history?   Do you think after countries including France, and Israel and even Saudia Arabia have offered congratulations will be...

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  • November 10, 2020

Look, Trump has his go to doc interviewing on Russian Television, an idiot resident claiming he will not count votes and will declare victory if in his stupid brain sees a win and this is the same person who told people to drink bleach and stick a UV down or...

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  • November 2, 2020

Little Lord Fauntleroy has an urgent message for Black Americans: You must appreciate everything Donald Trump has done for you! Why are you complaining? The Great Ocher Oz has spoken! Bloomberg: President Donald Trump’s son-in-law and senior adviser Jared Kushner said Black people must “want to be successful” in order...

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  • October 26, 2020
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