Last updated on December 28, 2020
You may have heard over the weekend that Donald Jizz-O-Matic* Trump has reached the pre-bunker phase of his months-long post-presidential pout.
Several news outlets reported that Trump hosted weirdo dead-enders Sidney Powell and Michael Flynn on Friday, and he considered naming Powell a special counsel to investigate
the ghost of Hugo Chavez alleged voter fraud in the 2020 election, of which there has been little to none.
He also listened intently as Michael Flynn, a convicted felon, engaged in small talk about establishing a military junta to overthrow the legitimate government of the United States.
So, yeah, weird, wild stuff.
But outgoing Attorney General Bill Barr — a manifestly toad-like toady who has never seen a pro-Trump dirty trick he didn’t like — is throwing cold water on these plans. Which means he must have been part of the deep state all along.
At a news conference to announce charges in a decade old terror case, Barr — who has just two days left in office — was peppered with questions about whether he would consider steps proposed by allies of the president to advance Trump’s claims of massive voter fraud.Barr said that while he was “sure there was fraud in this election,” he had not seen evidence that it was so “systemic or broad-based” that it would change the result. He asserted he saw “no basis right now for seizing machines by the federal government,” and he would not name a special counsel to explore the allegations of Trump and his allies.
This is the same guy who twisted the conclusions of the Mueller report beyond recognition and, up until now, has been Trump’s de facto mob consigliere. But Trump’s most recent monkeyshines are too much even for this guy.
“If I thought a special counsel at this stage was the right tool and was appropriate, I would name one, but I haven’t, and I’m not going to,” Barr said.Similarly, Barr said he would not name a special counsel to investigate Hunter Biden, President-election Joe Biden’s son who revealed earlier this month he was under investigation for possible tax crimes. Barr said the investigation was “being handled responsibly and professionally” by regular Justice Department prosecutors, and he hoped that would continue in the next administration.
But his emails!
Honestly, I’m not sure what Hunter Biden has to do with anything. He will have no role in his father’s administration, and his business pursuits appear to be his and his alone. If it was fair to punish fathers for having dissolute sons, Fred Trump would have spent decades in solitary confinement eating cockroaches and fistfuls of his own hair. But it’s not fair. Even when it may seem like it is. (Case in point: Donald Trump.)
So, yeah, Donald Trump will go away with a whiny whimper, just as so many of us predicted.
Thirty days. Hang in there, folks.
*I know Trump’s middle name isn’t really “Jizz-O-Matic.” That’s just (an admittedly puerile) literary flourish. It’s simply “Jizz.”**
**Not to be confused with “Simply Jizz,” a new sperm bank franchise I just invested in. We’re next to Hot Topic at the Fox River Mall in Grand Chute, Wisconsin.
This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. The first history of the Trump Error is complete! Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump is hot off the presses! Along with Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump, you’ll see the Trump years from a hilarious new perspective. Click those links, yo!
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