The White House is now a chunky COVID cluster, chock-full of nuts, cotton-candy hair, and curdled brain nougat.

Katie Miller, Mike Pence’s press secretary and wife of bleach-damaged gimp costume Stephen Miller, has the ‘rona. So does one of Donald Trump’s personal valets. (I’m not sure what a presidential valet does, but if a loofah is in any way involved, this person is far better off in quarantine.) In addition, coronavirus task force member Anthony Fauci and CDC director Robert Redfield are both self-isolating.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump refuses to wear a mask, presumably because masks are for nerds. Or maybe he feels safe because there’s simply no room in his body for more viruses.

So it’s particularly ironic that the Trump administration is urging everyone to get back to work when, well, its own turf hardly appears safe at the moment.

Then again, the president and vice president are being tested every day, whereas you just have to guess whether you’ll end up being patient zero at your local Dave & Buster’s. 

So things are not going swimmingly either inside or outside the White House vis-à-vis the Great Trump Plague — and at least one White House adviser is showing his fear.


White House economic adviser Kevin Hassett acknowledged on Sunday it’s risky to work in the White House now that several staff have tested positive for the coronavirus.

“It’s scary to go to work,” he said on CBS' “Face the Nation.”

Yes, yes — it is. Welcome to the real world.

“I'll wear a mask when I feel it's necessary,” he explained, noting he had one with him for Sunday’s interview.
Guidance now from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends wearing face coverings to curb the spread of the coronavirus, though President Donald Trump has said the guidance is “voluntary” and that he didn’t plan on following it personally.

“It's a little bit risky” to work in the West Wing during the coronavirus pandemic, given how small and crowded it is, said Hassett, who says he practices “aggressive social distancing.” “But you have to do it because you have to serve your country.”

Hmm, so it’s super risky to work at the White House right now, and yet Donald Trump is intentionally endangering everyone there, as well as sending the worst possible message about best practices and mitigation. Sounds like the White House is a microcosm of the country.

Then again, Hassett — who was so sure the Dow would hit 36,000 in the early 2000s he wrote a book titled Dow 36,000 — probably isn’t making minimum wage at an “essential” job scanning groceries. Because, you know, his job isn’t that essential.

So good luck, Kevin. And don’t feel bad. The Dow will hit 36,000 eventually. Long, long after this kakistocracy has hit the bricks.

Is Trump still chafing your arse-cheeks? Then Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its boffo sequels Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are the pick-me-up you need! Reviewers have called these books “hysterically funny,” “cathartic,” and “laugh-out-loud” comic relief. And they’re way, way cheaper than therapy.

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