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On Tuesday, CNBC’s Jim Cramer noted that he’s been hearing a lot of doom and gloom from Wall Street executives over the possibility that Elizabeth Warren could — gasp! — actually win the presidency:

“Look, I’ve got to tell you, when you get off the desk and you talk to executives, they’re more fearful of her winning. I mean, I’ve never heard anybody say [before], ‘Look, she’s gotta be stopped. She’s gotta be stopped!’ I don’t know, she’s very, she keeps going up in the polls.”

That’s easy enough to squeeze into 30 seconds, right? I mean, if Wall Street executives — who crashed the economy a decade ago and ultimately emerged from the rubble better off than the rest of us — think she’s a menace, that has to be good for us plebs, huh?

Well, now it’s Fox Business Network host Stuart Varney’s turn to inadvertently lend Warren a helping hand.

After noting that Warren’s wealth tax would cut the net worth of people like Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos in half (oh noes!) — something that Varney claims is terrible because it exposes our ugly, envious souls — he said this: 

“Then, more importantly, there is her Accountable Capitalism Act, and this is a real threat to everybody’s money. Sen. Warren would force all big companies to take a lot of their profit away from shareholders, and it would be given to the workforce, the community, customers, the local and global environment, and community and societal factors, whatever that is. America’s great companies forced to dance to a socialist drumbeat. Forget about investing in stocks for your retirement. The profits that support stock prices would have been diverted. Seventy-three percent of the value of all stocks today is held by people over 55. Stocks are your retirement vehicle. Warren would ruin your retirement. The bottom line is this: Socialists don’t redistribute wealth, they destroy it.”


More money would go to the workforce and communities? Say it ain’t so! What a fucking disaster that would be!

Of course, Varney’s choice of statistics is telling. It may be true that 73 percent of stocks are owned by those over 55, but it’s basically irrelevant. Because roughly 80 percent of the value of all stocks is held by the richest 10 percent of the population, and 38 percent is held by the top 1 percent. Somehow, that seems more germane to the discussion.

Meanwhile, nearly half the population owns no equities. So I guess they don’t get to retire at all.

But they should vote — if for no other reason than I’d like to see Stuart Varney cough up his spleen on election night.

Is Trump still chafing your arse-cheeks? Then Dear F*cking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its breathlessly awaited sequel Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are the pick-me-up you need! Reviewers have called these books “hysterically funny,” “cathartic,” and “laugh-out-loud” comic relief. And they’re way, way cheaper than therapy.

  • September 12, 2019