Q: What’s the difference between the Branch Davidians and the Trump Death Cult?
A: The Branch Davidians thought their leader was Jesus, whereas the Trumpies think their guy is way the fuck better than Jesus.
I mean, what other conclusion can you draw these days?
The Alabama Republican Party has unanimously passed a resolution calling Donald J. Trump “one of the greatest and most effective presidents in the 245-year history of this Republic.” And last night, Perry Hooper Jr., a former Alabama state legislator, presented Trump with a framed copy of the resolution at Mar-a-Lago, because Trump was so great he can't be expected to leave his large-animal paddock or bottomless slop trough for such silly trifles.
The resolution, which passed unanimously in the party, calls Trump “one of the greatest and most effective presidents in the 245-year history of this Republic” and lists his achievements in office.
“It’s just recognizing him for all the great things he has done for America for bringing back American manufacturing, cutting taxes, creating best economy ever, building up our military,” Hooper said.
The full text of the resolution is here, and—spoiler alert—it’s weird.
Of course, when the history books are written, I sincerely believe Trump will land somewhere north of “worst president ever,” assuming our country survives another million years or so and the Constitution is eventually amended to allow sentient olive loafs to run (so long as they meet the minimum age requirement). And if sentient olive loafs become a thing, it’s only a matter of time before we accidentally breed one that’s at least as racist as Donald Trump.
But in the near future, I can only assume historians will slot him somewhere between President Ivanka Trump and President Randy Quaid.
And, yes, I nearly vomited just now.
”This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on author Aldous J. Pennyfarthing via Twitter. Say “ba-bye” to the former guy. The long-anticipated EPILOGUE to Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump is now available for FREE. Download your copy here! And don’t forget to check out the rest of AJP’s oeuvre here.