What it's like to have a loved one hospitalized and you can't be with them. Heartbreaking !

I write this from my experience this week.  My husband was doing some regular chores around the house Wednesday and nothing seemed wrong at all.   I had asked our daughter where he was when I didn’t see him outside where he had been.  She said, “ I think he laid down”.  She left her schoolwork and came back in to the living room and said, “ Dad’s sick”.   I went into the bedroom and before I got to the bathroom I said, “ What kind of sick are you” ( thinking of Covid).  I have been very paranoid over that kind of sick.   I walked to the bathroom and saw blood everywhere.   LOTS and LOTS of blood.   He was still throwing it up.

It was like I was in another body and mindset and I didn’t even ask if he was alright.  I walked away and picked up the phone and called 911.   I said, “I need an ambulance right away”.   4 minutes later the ambulance was backed up in the driveway.  The EMT’s walked in and into the bathroom and I walked in with them.  They had masks and gloves and I told them I had no idea what was happening as he was fine about twenty minutes earlier.

I told the symptoms and he had no fever, no cough, no cold.  They said, “ We believe this is GI and they promptly loaded him onto the stretcher.  I forgot about the quarantine for a sec and started out the door when they said, “ You can’t go to the hospital”.   OH I forgot.   Terror struck me as I saw him wave to me as one climbed in back with him.  They were so kind but looked tired.  We live very close to the hospital.   The fear that was striking me no one really can imagine.  I thought about what in the world was wrong and then I thought about the virus.  We had been so careful and now he was going in the hospital.  He has three heart stents, COPD, PTSD and  68 years old.   

Every thought was racing.  Would he be isolated?  What was wrong?  Would I see him again?   I called his cell phone about an hour after he left but he was weak and they were trying to stabilize him.   He said in a weak voice he was in a room by himself and some patients were there and the virus patients were in another part of the ER,  

Hours passed.   I knew nothing.   I paced.   I did not want to worry the nurses but I had to know.  The helpless feeling one has is indescrible.    My daughter is a rock.  She and I sat on the couch and she was worried about me as I felt my blood pressure rise.   I was trapped in a sick world and in a shelter in place order which I am glad of on one hand and terrified on the other.   I dressed out in thick gloves and covering over my clothes and poured bleach all in the bathroom and ventilated my bathroom.   I came back in about 30 minutes later walking through bleach and had rags to throw away and cleaned the bathroom and cabinets where I felt I was in a horror movie and then threw away things after sanitizing and washed my hands even after pulling off the latex cleaning gloves and washed in hot hot water clothes.   The bleach smell was overwhelming as I bet I poured half a gallon on the floor.   

I called and found he had been moved from ER to a room on a floor that had no covid patients.   That was a relief but only on the virus part.   They had scheduled tests but told me he was losing blood and bleeding internally.   I sat there in a daze state.  The nurse was so friendly but sounded tired.   At 11 PM and all this happened at around 12 noon I find out his blood pressure is dropping and they were trying to get it up.   The hemoglobin was low.  Blood was on a standby order.   I got to talk to him and he sounded so very weak.   I did not sleep.  I could not sleep and I could not go to see him.  I could not reassure him.  I could not pray with him.   I could not do anything but think and pray.   I was totally helpless.  I would have been helpless at the hospital as well but I would have been there for him.  The doctors and nurses are running to take care of patients sick with a virus and their regular patients.   I feel so much for them.   Soldiers on the front line.  I said it, I believed it I thought, till I actually lived it this week.   They are true heros.

 My mind raced to all the patients who could not see their  loved ones.   I was told he was scheduled for and endoscopy first light.   I felt better BUT when he got out of surgery, he was put in ICU.   Now my fear had really grown.   They found ulcers, gallstones and did some repair work but he was still bleeding internally as they had to give him two units of blood.   His nurse told me he was put in a room to himself.   They were giving blood every four hours as needed deemed on the hemoglobin count.   I never cried but tears welled up in my eyes as I had to be strong for my kids.  They called me and I especially wanted to be strong for our 15 year old.   I said little.   I posted diaries here about DeSantis and Rand Paul but my heart was not into it.   I tried to nap and got a little sleep.   We talked on the phone but he was cheerful but sounded so very weak.   I was and still am scared.  I was paralyzed not being able to see him or touch him.  I could not think of nothing much but #1 he is so sick and #2…Is he isolated from the virus.   I was assured he was in a room to himself.   One nurse told me they were issued one mask every day.   ONE MASK.   We are in a small town.  One nurse told me they expected more COVID patients next week.  

I bet there were15 calls between my husband and me  on Thursday and less on Friday.   The nurses had to bring their lunch as the cafeteria was closed.  They grabbed food when they could and there are about17 patients with the virus.  Nothing like New York or other hot spots.

  They were working very hard as I could hear them trying to answer my questions and then have to go tend to another patient.  One called me back.  I did not want to worry them.   The next day he was moved to another room.  It was upstairs in Critical care but told it was an upgrade from ICU.   He was in a double room but no one was in there till today.  A man had a surgery as well.   I slept most of the day today.  All day off and on as I had so little real sleep since Wednesday.  We had a video chat last night and his hemoglobin was rising and pressure was stablized.   He got to eat a meal today and was still under observation.   I looked outside and still felt helpless.   This is a bad situation, and worse than people realize when you have a spouse or loved one in dire straits carried to a hospital and you can’t be there.  It does feel like war.  I was told he could come home tomorrow if he continued to do well.     They had him up walking.   I have not seen him since Wednesday.   I am now concerned about the nurses and doctors going in and out of Covid patients rooms and then to very sick other patients.  They are scrubbing my husband told me and doing everything they could to sanitize.   

Wayward Wind had a post up a week or so ago about Freight Harbor donating PPE’s and I sent them an email to donate to our hospital in our town and sent an email to Human Resources and Administrators about the donations a week or so ago.  I almost felt like I HAD to do it for our town not knowing my husband would be in that hospital a week later.   Let me tell you.  Staring out a window and pacing floors and not being able to be with a loved one is HELL.  Pure Hell.

Thanks guys for listening.  Now I have to hope and pray he was not exposed to the virus.   I don’t think I could stay away from my loved ones again.  Video chat is not the same thing and my heart goes out to all those in hospitals alone.   Stay safe.