Rand Paul worries about making planet habitable — but not our planet, of course

Rand Paul isn’t too concerned about climate change on Planet Earth, but to his credit he does think we need to start creating livable ecosystems elsewhere.

I guess he thinks humanity is on a cosmic pub crawl, and since we’re about to wear out our welcome here, we need to find new and better floating orbs to trash:

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First of all, “hundreds of millions of years”? Modern humans have existed for maybe 300,000 years. If we manage to survive the Ocher Apocalypse, we can talk about adding another 2,000 or so, but it feels way premature to talk in terms of millions, much less hundreds of millions.

Secondly, uh, could we focus on our own atmosphere first? You know, the one that’s choked with greenhouse gases? Y’all didn’t go searching for alien bodies for Dick Cheney’s black soul to inhabit when he was dying (as far as I know, anyway). They just put the heart of some poor yutz who probably thought he was doing the right thing inside our fave VP’s inky-dark abyss of a chest cavity. 

How about a $10 million prize for someone who can keep our planet from sizzling like Donald Trump’s face as he bobs for deep-fried Hot Pockets on Halloween?

Are Republicans so good at ignoring existential threats that they can afford to go all sci-fi on our asses?

Take Space Force, for instance. It’s clearly pointless and redundant, and we have other, far more urgent problems to confront. Personally, I suspect Trump saw Star Trek while in an Adderall fugue once and is hoping he’ll have a starship named after him in the 23rd century. Why else would he care about space? But can’t we focus on what’s in front of us?

Also, Newt Gingrich wants a moon base, posthaste.

And NASA is talking about sending astronauts to Mars.

But a Green New Deal that would supercharge our economy and potentially save the planet? Oh, you silly, sponge-headed liberal. That’s just nonsense talk.

Is Trump still singeing your sphincter? Then Dear F*cking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its super-fun sequels Dear Pr*sident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are the pick-me-up you need! Reviewers have called these books “hysterically funny,” “cathartic,” and “laugh-out-loud” comic relief. And they’re way, way cheaper than therapy.