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Dispatches from Trumpland: 'Lincoln only freed the slaves … what Trump is doing is far greater'

Forget about Kool-Aid. These idiots would swallow battery acid if Dear Leader told them to. And, you know, in a way they kind of are.

You may have seen the recent Economist/YouGov poll in which 53 percent of Republicans claimed that Donald Trump is a better president than Abraham Lincoln

Yes, that is some shart-gargling, barking-mad cray-cray, but I pretty much chalked it up to recency bias and rank stupidity. I mean, if you really thought about it, you’d never put Trump in the same league, sport, solar system, or multiverse as Abraham Lincoln.

But if you’re a brainwashed cult member? Oh, yeah. He ranks right up there. And a little thing like freeing millions of people from the indignity and horrors of chattel slavery can’t possibly hold a candle to shouting Dadaistic lies at reporters and otherwise owning the libs (in the minds of his followers if not actually in reality).

So when I hear stuff like this, it’s all I can do to maintain my own sanity:

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CALLER: “On the other hand, you’ve got Trump, who’s constantly lived up to his campaign promises. The list is extremely long. I don’t even feel like listing it because it will take up all your time. Pelosi, Nadler, Schiff, and Schumer, they’re all puppets who are probably being paid to do what they’re doing. Their narrative is so weak, and it just seems like they’ve got this absolute hellbent desire to dethrone Trump, who’s done the best in this country that any president has ever done. He’s superseded Lincoln. Lincoln only freed the slaves. Yes, that’s a big thing, but what Trump is doing is far greater. The deep state exists, and if you people don’t understand this, you haven’t done your homework. The quid pro crow [sic] has been turned into bribery because of a poll. That’s what’s going on here. They’re feeling their way to appeal to the American public. And people who are still calling Trump a horrible person, and you’re still in the camp of hatred — look, spirituality and hatred do not hold hands, so you’re at the opposite end of that spectrum if you’re calling hate on Trump.”

This is what we’re dealing with. Aside from claiming you’re spiritually deficient if you hate Trump — who’s basically an irritable bowel with a leaky Sriracha bottle stuck inside it — there’s plenty of fucknuttery in this call to keep your head spinning for the rest of the week. But the jewel of the clown show has to be the bit about Lincoln.

I. Can’t. Even.

“Lincoln only freed the slaves.”

Ouch.

We’re going to have to come out in droves and outvote these cultists. There’s really no changing their minds.

Yo! Pennyfarthing’s Trump-trashing series is now a trilogy! Get your copy of Dear Pr*sident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing. It’s hot off the presses! And, of course, Dear F*cking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump are still selling like lukewarm-cakes. Reviewers have called these books “hysterically funny,” “cathartic,” and “laugh-out-loud” diversions from our temporary hell on Earth.