Advertisements

Can we eliminate these four candidates from last night's debate, like, right now?

I watched most of the debate last night. Then I realized if I wanted to watch three nondescript middle-aged white guys mansplain the “real world” to a woman far more intelligent and qualified than they are, I could move back to Northeast Wisconsin and stand literally anywhere.

Advertisements

I mean, not to disparage my own kind too much. After all, I’m a nondescript middle-aged white guy who, for some reason, is not running for president. And as a nondescript middle-aged white guy in good standing, I’m here to declare this: We had our chance. Let’s crawl into our little cable-ready spiderholes and give Elizabeth Warren and/or Kamala Harris a shot. It’s well past time.

That said, not every white man onstage last night was a complete and forgettable embarrassment, but these three men (and one woman) really need to exit stage right (or left, as the case may be) ASAP.

Steve Bullock: Who the fuck is this guy and who blood-doped him before he got onstage? I like enthusiasm (as long as it’s achieved naturally), but I feared at any moment he might slip on a Gallagher beret and smash a watermelon with a prop hammer. Apparently, the one big thing he has going for him is he won a statewide election in a deep-red state — which is really all I need to know about him, honestly. Hey, he has the ability to almost deliver Montana’s three electoral votes. Sure. Sign me up.

Advertisements

John Delaney: He has a lot of potential, assuming he’s released from the burn unit before the New Hampshire primary, and there’s no guarantee of that. His only highlight of the night was Elizabeth Warren taking him to the woodshed. If a Sanka-infused yawn could somehow take human form, it would look exactly like John Delaney.

Tim Ryan: I heard a rumor that Tim Ryan and John Delaney will Brundlefly each other to create an exponentially more boring super-candidate — one that will perfectly alloy Ryan’s bemused kraken-in-headlights stare and Delaney’s signature spear-bald-Will-Ferrell animal magnetism.

Marianne Williamson: Apparently, love is not all you need. Though I almost want her to win a primary or two just to see if she eventually proposes building a giant, $1 trillion healing crystal in Kansas.

ORDER NOW

So, yeah, we can lose these four easily and have a lot more time for the serious and viable candidates. And if any of these four happen to be your top choice — sorry. I can be an asshole sometimes.

UPDATE: At least one commenter wondered why John Hickenlooper isn’t on this list. Answer: I literally forgot he existed until just now.

Is Trump still singeing your sphincter? Dear F*cking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its breathlessly awaited sequel Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are the salve you need! Reviewers have called these books “hysterically funny,” “cathartic,” and “laugh-out-loud” comic relief. And you can get them for less than the price of a cup of coffee … or a black-market Xanax … or five minutes of therapy. It’s time to heal, my friends. Buy now!

Advertisements

Advertisements