It might be fun to sit in on Fox News editorial meetings as they wonder aloud how they can further unbalance the humors of cranky old white men now that they’ve reached the AOC supersaturation point.
Hmm, let’s see. Hillary? No, their hearts can’t take that anymore.
Fluoride in drinking water? Nah, too ‘50s.
Oh, I know! The metric system! Because … uh … WE DON’T USE IT! Because … damn if I want to waste five minutes figuring out what the fuck 24 degrees Celsius is.
This is seriously a thing, I guess. Honestly, I had to Google the following exchange to make sure it wasn’t some clever deep-fake video concocted to fatally embarrass Tucker Carlson and remove him from the air permanently. But no. Sadly, it’s all too real.
TUCKER CARLSON (FOX NEWS HOST): Almost every nation on Earth has fallen under the yoke of tyranny — the metric system. From Beijing to Buenos Aires, from Lusaka to London, the people of the world have been forced to measure their environment in millimeters and kilograms. The United States is the only major country that has resisted, but we have no reason to be ashamed for using feet and pounds.
JAMES PANERO (ANTI-METRIC WEIRDO): I am joining you tonight as an anti-metrite. I'm taking a stand against the metric system — the original system of global revolution and new world orders.
CARLSON: God bless you, and that's exactly what it is. Esperanto died, but the metric system continues — this weird, utopian, inelegant creepy system that we alone have resisted.
PANERO: The metric system, meanwhile, is the product of the French Revolution. It was imposed at the business end of the guillotine.
CARLSON: So why are our leaders so anxious that we join the rest of the world in using Robespierre’s favorite standard of measurement? I don’t understand. … I think you give a lot of us heart to keep fighting against the global tyranny of the metric system, and bless you for that.
PANERO: Well, thank you. You know, our system is quaint, but it’s ours. It connects us to our ancestors through cups, through teaspoons and tablespoons. I can still cook the recipes of my grandparents …
CARLSON: Exactly …
PANERO: … and it’s that connection to the past that the French Revolution, that the revolutionaries have always tried to destroy.
CARLSON: Yeah, I’ll except the kilometer when we accept the euro. Never!
So even though going metric would make life easier, streamline the operations of numerous industries, and even potentially save lives, we shouldn’t do it because … ROBESPIERRE, GODDAMNIT! Which part of “Robespierre” don’t you understand!?!?!?!?!?
Now I’ve seen everything.
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