Repost. 2016's 'Twas The Right Before Christmas

Ursulafaw requested a repost of this Christmas classic from 2016. 

Free with Audible trial

Hope you enjoy!

'Twas the Right before Christmas  

Twas the right before Christmas, when all through the states,

Free with Audible trial

– 'Thug legislatures were ginning up hate.

– In Charlotte they dimmed the new Democrat's lights,

– And Columbus nixed women's health care rights.


– 'Thug voters were nestled all snug in their beds,

– While visions of Trump Care danced in their heads.

– And the wife in her sackcloth, me feeling like crap,

Free with Audible trial

– Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

– When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

– I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter!

Free with Audible trial

– Away to the window I flew like a flash,

– Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash!

– The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,

– Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.

– When, what to my wondering eyes was displayed,

– But a gold plated Caddie pulled by exhausted Trump aides.

– With a short fingered driver, so orange and plump,

– I knew in a moment it must be Der Trump!

– More sluggish than beagles his flunkies they came,

– And he farted, and shouted, and called them by name!

– “Now, Hannity! Now, Bannon! Now, Christie, Omarosa! I say!

– On, Rudy! On, Priebus! On, Gingrich! On, Kelly Conway!

– To the top of the porch! to the top of yon wall!

– Now Drudge away! Drudge away! Drudge away all!”

– As horse hockies from a horse's rectum that fall,

– And splat with a squish to the floor of the stall,

– So up to the house-top the flunkies they flew,

– With a Caddy full of noise, and Vulgarian too!

– And then, stomach turning, I heard on the roof

– The mewing and fawning of each little goof.

– As I drew in my head, and was about to scream stop!

– Down the chimney Hair Fuhrer fell with a plop!

– He was dressed all in chintz, from his head to my floor,

– A bad Santa knock off from his mill in Lahore.

– A sack of foul juju he flung on my bed,

– And he looked like an asshole – with a badger on his head!

– His eyes-how they squinted! His sclera bloodshot!

– His cheeks looked like uni, his nose ran with snot!

– His nasty little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

– And the stumps he calls fingers look more like my toes!

– A dumb smirk played over his porcelain teeth,

– As sulfur encircled his head like a wreath.

– He had a fat face and a big ole round gut,

– An orange hued Santa crossed with Jabba the Hutt!

– He spoke a half sentence, and went straight to his work,

– Emptied all the kid's the stockings, then turned with a jerk.

– And laying half finger aside of his nose,

– He snorted a line and up the chimney he rose!

– He slunk to his Caddy, gave his flunkies the whip,

– And away they all vanished like a Chinese jacked ship!

– But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he tooled out of sight,

– “Thanks for the donation, welcome to the alt-right!”