Stormy went there: NSFW, not safe for children, not safe for adults, not safe for functioning brains

Grab your air-sickness bags. No, seriously. I mean it. Or skip ahead to the end. And by “end” I mean the end of your now-squalid, irreparably damaged life.

Okay, you’ve been warned.

Courtesy of the soul-killing bastards at Daily Beast:

According to a copy [of Stormy Daniels’ memoir] obtained by The Guardian, the book gives excruciating detail of her alleged affair with Trump, including one nightmarish image in which she compares the president’s penis to Toad—the incredibly annoying mushroom character from Mario. “He knows he has an unusual penis,” Daniels writes in a book fittingly titled Full Disclosure. “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool… I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart… It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.” So, now you know.

Someone had to write this diary, and since I’m going to hell for thousands of unconfessed mortal sins anyway (though masturbation is clearly off the table from this day forward), it might as well be me.

Though this does open up a lot of trolling opportunities for Trump’s aides: “Mr. President, have you seen this chart of these fantastic jobs numbers? This is Obama, and here’s where you took over. Look how the economy has mushroomed — kind of like, I don’t know, Toad in Mario Kart.”

And now Trump’s humiliation is complete.

Enjoy your Tuesday.

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Yo! Dear F*cking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing is now available at Amazon! Buy there (or at one of the other fine online retailers carrying it), or be square.