The real Politician's Prayer revealed

April 15, 2010 by George Fripley

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Many of you out there may be unaware that there is a secret politician’s prayer that is said, usually very quietly on most days when Parliament is sitting. I understand it is said out loud by the Prime Minister at the beginning of every Cabinet meeting, and there is arumour that it has spread across the Atlantic to Washington.

The Official Government Prayer

Our government, somehow elected

Delusion be our game.
My god we’re dumb
But there’s work to be done
And blame to be deflected.
Delay us today our daily decisions.
And forgive us our empty promises,
As we forgive those who make empty promises in response.
And lead us not into innovation,
But deliver us from progress.
For we have the politicians,
With the power, and the will
To speak drivel
For ever and ever.
Amen.

You may be wondering who wrote this marvellous piece of verse. Well, I can tell you. After a great deal of reaseach I have uncovered Cardinal Slumberus Drone.

Cardinal Drone did not contribute to much at all. He entered the priesthood in his mid-twenties and drifted up through the various ranks of the Catholic Church. As a bishop, he was notable for not being seen for months at a time, preferring to delegate his duties to his ‘quite ably qualified’ underlings. When his parishioners went around to his residence they invariably found him absent.

It turned out that he spent most his time soundly asleep in the House of Lords in London. He was unaware what was going on around him, but felt that he could at least sleep safe in the knowledge that nothing of any significance was happening.

He did once wake up long enough to take in the events occurring around him. This propelled him to take the time to write the Official Government Prayer. He released this gem of wisdom on his 50th birthday and then insisted all in his church repeat this prayer on a daily basis.

Cardinal Drone made every effort get the sitting politicians in the UK government to recite his prayer at the commencement of each day, but this was unsuccessful. Other politicians felt that he was somehow taking the piss out of them and their numerous achievements. When pressed, none could specify any such achievements. To his dying day, Cardinal Drone maintained that his prayer was relevant, but it never received the recognition that it deserved. Little did he know that it would become so popular after his death.

Phrases you may hear in politicians speeches and their real meaning – No. 1

‘The fact of the matter is….’

This is a popular phrase that, loosely translated, means the following – I was communing with the fairies and pixies at the bottom of my garden, sharing a glass of whisky, when we got on to the matter of (insert as appropriate – health, defence, the economy, unemployment). After careful consultation with them and my dog, Playdough, I dreamt up the following response to you question.

George Fripley blogs at www.dregsofhistory.blogspot.com and is the author of You Can't Polish A Turd - the Civil Servant's Manual. He regularly contributes to The Politicus

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