The Edge of Darkness; Suicide in America

November 28, 2011 by Fidlerten Place

Years ago, I faced my own demons when it came to suicide. I don’t know what leads others to the edge of darkness, but I know what brought me there.

It might surprise a lot of people to know that someone can be laughing and seeming to be enjoying themselves one day, and the very next, be seeking to end everything, with a slice to the wrist, a bottle of pills, or maybe a rope or an automobile in a closed garage with the engine running; something that will end the pain, the rejection, the fear, the loneliness, or just the need for darkness and the end of light. I had tried them all at one time or the other. What was worse, I was even a failure at that which made me want to try harder.

For me it was fear, I just couldn’t face what tomorrow held for me, or at least what I thought it held for me at the time. Every day became to me a vacuum that I couldn’t escape from. Getting up every morning and going to work became something I dreaded because I just knew that there were things that were going to happen that just I couldn’t face.  Serious depression set in and it got to the point that I didn’t want to leave my home. I lost my job and faced becoming homeless.

I called on God and even asked Him to please just take me and don’t let me have to live another day.  I got to the point of blaming Him for everything because he didn’t do as I asked.

I grew angry with all my friends and anyone who I had anything to do with, and more than anything else, I began to hate myself with a passion. I think this was what really brought me to the edge of darkness; I despised myself completely.

I call it the edge of darkness because that’s what it is; the end of life means the abyss of darkness where there is no light. You can’t see past the problems that have piled up before you, instead you just make them worse by cutting yourself off from everyone and everything that matters. That’s where I had gone, and I didn’t believe that I would return.  I just wanted it all to stop.

Here in America, we have a lot of suicides. Some of them are committed by the elderly, as when they reach the end of their lives and they find themselves alone and every day seems to be just more pain to live with.

Some are committed by returning soldiers from war, because of  guilt they still hold that they survived and others didn’t, or the horrors of war haunt them endlessly, their dreams becoming nightmares that like demons, ride their souls to the edge of darkness.

Some are committed by young teens, who find themselves faced with a world that they don’t understand and which doesn’t seem to understand them; Feelings and desires arising in their minds and bodies that don’t fit into the norm of society’s expectations, or things seem to be closing in on them and they feel they don’t want to be a part of it anymore.

Some are committed by middle-aged men and women who have come to a realization that they’re no longer young and no longer attractive or wanted, and see their futures as being meaningless and with no hope.

There are many different people who come to a point in their lives that they decide that they no longer want to be in this world and decide to step out on that ledge, and peer over into the abyss, of the edge of darkness.

Suicide is a selfish act. It’s also a cowardly act. We, who go there, know this but we don’t care. All that we see is our own problems and we can’t see anything else.

Suicide is also a condition, not just an act.  Of course, you might call that suicidal, but that doesn’t completely explain it.  A better explanation would be that suicide becomes a constant companion that we seek out every time life becomes sour. It is always there for you; just a quick remedy to the struggles of life. So it isn’t just about getting past one moment in our lives but it’s about getting past the condition, or in other words; the end of that relationship with that old companion, the friend that one could look up when life was dealing oneself some lousy cards.

For me, I had to stop looking at my own problems and instead, look through the eyes of God and see all the misery that even the smallest of children deal with on a daily basis, just to survive. Here I, wanted to take my own life because I didn’t want to face another day, and here were people who were struggling to survive without food or even clean water.

I felt so ashamed of myself then. I had allowed myself to get so wrapped up with my own problems that I failed to see past those problems and see the struggles of others. I had to break it off with my old companion; suicide and find another friend; Jesus, who has shown me a better way to live; and that’s by helping others.

I know for many of us, life is tough; I’ve been there and back again. But believe me, it will only grow much better when you turn away from your own problems long enough to look at others and see the struggles and suffering that goes on around this world because of tyranny and greed and hate, and the thirst for power by some.

We can serve a better purpose by reaching out to others and by doing so; our own problems and needs will become smaller until they’re significant to us no longer.  Love is a powerful force that can open our eyes to so many things, but to experience that Love, we have to share it and walk in it and forget about ourselves.

Certainly, I still sometimes get caught up with what’s going on with my own life and I allow myself a moment of fear again, but only to remind me that I am not alone and there is always someone else out there whose struggle makes mine so much smaller.

Now I get up every day and thank God that I’m alive and I’ve got so much and so much to give. I live it in the light and I no longer visit that edge of darkness. If my old companion, suicide comes around again when I’m having a bad day or even a bad week; I will quickly remind myself that my problems are always smaller than the smallest child in the horn of Africa who is just trying to survive another day.

Filed under: fidlerten, Jesus Christ, Self Help, Suicide Tagged: depression, Jesus, Mental Health, Suicide